My Mom’s Agressiveness

My Mom’s Agressiveness

Dear Fatima,

third time contemplating suicide. My mom raises her voice at me for everything I ask for or say I need. She is becoming increasingly aggressive and we can’t talk without having a fight. Don’t know what to do. I’m on the verge with a painful cough and cold. I am feeling so sick that I can’t even find the courage to respond back to her obnoxiousness anymore. Fatima, please save me, please help me.

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As salaam alaikum,

I am so sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with you mom. I’d first like to say if you feel like hurting yourself please contact a the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Mother-daughter relationships are very diverse and can be complex. Some mother-daughters are best friends and some need a lot of space and time to talk about whats going on. Just like all relationships, the mother-daughter relationship, no matter how strong, can go through ups-and-downs. As a child you can feel like your mother is overly critical and demanding and as a parent they can feel they are losing their daughters as they get older and more independent. I think its important for you to address these issues with your mother. Take her out for coffee or brunch and sit her down, and talk to her about everything  you are feeling. Let her hear you and your emotions. Explain to her how you feel when she says this or reacts in this way. And vice-versa – listen to her, hear her thoughts and why she might be reacting the way she is. Also note that although you want your mother to make changes, you cannot force change on anyone – so maybe this is a good opportunity for you to see how you can change yourself. Maybe look at your reactions to how your mom says something and find a different way to react. And though this is touch to do as you are heated – it will be helpful to be present and not to lose your own temper. One way to be present and in the moment is by meditating or praying. This usually helps one control their thoughts and emotions. When you do talk to your mom set forth your expectations of what you want from your mom. Sometimes we can bring expectations to a relationship and we’ve never really discussed them with the other person. For example: as kids we feel that our parents should and will always be nurturing and present in our lives. If this is what you are looking for and it is within limits of what your mother can offer, explain to her how you would like her more involve in your life. Remember communication is always key – in any relationship. Sometimes we expect for our parents to just know what we need or are feeling, but in reality as in any other relationship these things need to be communicated. Lastly something that helped me with my relationship with my mother was to put myself in her shoes. Its definitely and eye opener when you see just what you mother does. It wasn’t till I became a mother that I totally empathized with her, but for a long time I learned to sympathize with her. Your relationship with your mother is important, not just in the eyes of Allah, but also for your own benefit. Talk to her and hear her out as well. I urge you to seek a therapist in your area that can help you learn to cope with your emotions and perhaps help you find ways to better your relationship with your mother.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima X”

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Assalamu ‘alaykum,

It sounds like you are finding yourself in a cycle.
I’m not sure how long you’ve been in this cycle, but just as the sun rises and sets each day, time keeps moving. That means that a different future is possible, even if it’s hard to see it right now. If you give up now, you will lose the chance to see that future, and to experience what could be.

If it is a cycle, it might also mean that when a conflict starts, your mom chooses the same behaviors she has chosen before, and that you choose the same behaviors that you chose before. It might be a good idea to write down the chain of events so that you can get some perspective. Maybe there are things that you could chose to do differently that will protect you from the negative results you have experienced before.

Sometimes, it might also be a good idea to find a way for the two of you to get some space from each other. Perhaps there is a camp, or a friend or family member’s house that you can spend a weekend here and there so that the two of you can take a break from a situation that is clearly frustrating both of you. I want to be clear: I’m not suggesting that you just head out of the house. Rather, the option of taking a break from each other to reduce the pressure would need to be approached carefully so that it doesn’t make the situation worse. If you think this is something you would like to explore, I would suggest that you find a trusted adult who is a good facilitator and has a good relationship with your mom. This person would help the two of you figure out a plan that is acceptable to you both.

If counseling is possible, then I would suggest family counseling.
If it’s not, then I would suggest that you find a support system that would allow you to figure out how to navigate the stress in a healthy way while you figure out how to build a life independently that is respectful to your parents and also respectful to yourself and your needs.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima Z”

5 thoughts on “My Mom’s Agressiveness”

  1. Anonymous

    I always wonder why Muslims often have such loud voices, in khutbahs, in homes, when there is such reverberating wisdom in “and lower your voice, for the harshest of sounds, without doubt, is the braying of the ass.” Why we think it is OK to do — almost like we are empowered by God “him”-self in doing so. I’m sorry for the violence which you have received in your ears, your heart, your soul. I bear witness that it is violence — whether or not it has a reason, and no matter how much of a good, fitrah-bearing person your mom is, it is still violence. We are all part of violence. And I feel this pain too. I am sorry. It sounds like your mom needs mental help, as well, needs to find ways to deal with her angel and take responsibility for her own communication. And it should not be all your responsibility to fix it — this is a responsibility that belongs to all of us, as a community of beings that surrounds you and is in relationship with you. I do not know how the Muslim community can change, but I pray for you to be surrounded by angels of strength, and by angels of gentleness, and that you will find solace near the Earth, connecting feet and connecting head with the soft ground of God’s love, near our friends and fellow peace-beings, pine trees, maple trees, grass and land and water. I pray that we, as a community, would not cover up (kufr) parental violence toward children, and legitimize it, or make it seem like the child’s issue to overcome just by sabr or dealing with their own anger. Violence must be called out, must be taken out of our kufr, obscuring, of it. God will not change the condition of a people until they change it themselves, it was said. I pray this with these words and with my own, imperfect steps in this Earth. Ameen.

  2. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your soul’s pain and witness with us, sister.

    I always wonder why Muslims often have such loud voices, in khutbahs, in homes, when there is such reverberating wisdom in “and lower your voice, for the harshest of sounds, without doubt, is the braying of the ass.” Why we think it is OK to do — almost like we are empowered by God “him”-self in doing so. I’m sorry for the violence which you have received in your ears, your heart, your soul. I bear witness that it is violence — whether or not it has a reason, and no matter how much of a good, fitrah-bearing person your mom is, it is still violence. We are all part of violence. And I feel this pain too. I am sorry. It sounds like your mom needs mental help, as well, needs to find ways to deal with her angel and take responsibility for her own community. And it should not be all your responsibility to fix it — this is a responsibility that belongs to all of us, as a community of beings that surrounds you. I do not know how the Muslim community can change, but I pray for you to be surrounded by angels of strength, and by angels of gentleness, and that you will find solace near the Earth, connecting feet and connecting head with the soft ground of God’s love, near our friends and fellow peace-beings, pine trees, maple trees, grass and land and water. I pray that we, as a community, would not cover up (kufr) parental violence toward children, and legitimize it, or make it seem like the child’s issue to overcome just by sabr or dealing with their own anger. Violence must be called out, must be taken out of our kufr, obscuring, of it. God will not change the condition of a people until they change it themselves, it was said. I pray this with these words and with my own, imperfect steps in this Earth. Ameen.

  3. Anonymous

    it is a very sad situation. And then my dad just agrees onto all of what she says. Even if he knows that she is making me feel bad, he will still make me look like the criminal. I am not saying I’m faultless but there isn’t one day where he doesn’t have something to despise me for. And my mom just doesn’t care……..what I need/want doesn’t matter but what my SISTER needs or wants is something so important to my mom that she will do anything to make sure she gets it ;(

  4. zquadri00

    Sweetheart,
    My heart aches just reading your post. A mother is definitely not supposed to make their own child feel that way. Please respond to us and let us know how you are doing. I would love to help you…we can set up a phone call and see how to make this situation better.

    I’ll be praying for you until then.