Denial
Sometimes we grow blind to the horror of our own experiences because we survived them. We no longer feel them. We become muted to our own torture.
Yet when we share these abuses with others, their reactions are surprising. We are amazed that anyone could consider our trials to have been horrific. We are shocked when our self proclaimed molehills are declared mountains.
When abuse is called ‘abuse,’ we dismiss it quickly.
Perhaps none of this even matters, perhaps we should never speak of it again.
It wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t like that.
Or maybe, it was? Maybe it is all an act of denial in the third degree. We are burying our faces in the sand. We are turning away from the sun.
We are frigid to the enormity of our pain.
We grow immune.
Anonymous
You’re reflection cuts right into my heart. Although I’ve never dealt with abuse, I feel so saddened to read your words, and my heart reaches out to you. I cannot imagine what you went through, and can only imagine how hurtful it must have been to make you feel immune. After all, when we can’t stand something, our body tells us to go numb to cope with it. But, I ask you to look inside yourself–are you really, truly numb? You may not feel it anymore, but is it leaking out in other parts of your life? Is it showing up in your relationships with other people? In your enjoyment of the basics of life– a nice sunset, the feeling of good weather? The deliciousness of yummy food? Because, if you aren’t enjoying these things, you deserve too! And you can, I promise you, you can get to a point where you will enjoy these again…It will take everything out of you to deal with the abuse, to get it out hiding and deal with it. But, it will be worth it…And you will find a version of yourself that you never knew was in there. And you will fall again, into numbness…but then you will fight again. And the cycle will continue until one day, you will get to a point where you live…and the battle isn’t so bad anymore, and the cycle will break. I promise, it will break and you can break it–you just have to reach out more! I have faith in you 🙂
Anonymous
Sometimes we have to do what helps us survive. Maybe denial is what allows you to move on…maybe not looking back and indulging in the past is exactly what works for you. I’m sure the pain of your past will always hurt- but please remember, we are all here temporarily working towards a beautiful Jannah which Allah has promised. This is a transition…do whatever it takes to help you move forward. It’s not denial- its survival….and you are incredibly strong for being able to accomplish that.
Best Wishes