Gay Muslims – the Elephants in the (Prayer) Room
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Gay Muslims – the Elephants in the (Prayer) Room
By Mohammed Yusuf
Muslims, I find, tend to be quite good at avoiding open discussions about deeply personal matters affecting our communities. The problem is, it is exactly this attitude that leads to the circulation of myths and the subsequent worsening of the original matter. Muslim communities tend to treat such deeply personal matters as elephants in the room. One such elephant is, of course, homosexuality—that someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender can also be a devout Muslim.
I am a student at a British university. I have not come out as homosexual and I happen to be quite active with my Islamic Society (ISoc) on campus. When I’m in the company of other students in the ISoc, I do hear a few “gay jokes” being made (although this is a wider societal problem too). In relation to these so-called jokes, do you think I enjoy that these jokes are essentially about someone like me? To those who make these jokes, given that no one has their sexual orientation stamped on their forehead, you’ve most probably already prayed alongside a homosexual without realizing. Let me ask you, was there anything ‘lesser’ about these people?
To those who have a conservative attitude towards homosexuals, given the homophobic rhetoric, attacks and social exclusion that a homosexual often has to put up with, do you genuinely believe that someone like me would have actively chosen to be gay rather than straight?
The number of times I have previously wished that I wasn’t homosexual…but that’s the whole point: you cannot choose to be homosexual (to put it another way, how many of you actively chose to have feelings for the opposite sex rather than the same sex?)
Homosexuality isn’t a choice. Muslim communities should stop sweeping the topic under the carpet and start providing the right kind of support and advice.
For starters, does your local mosque provide a confidential online or drop-in advice service? (Not a service run by a traditional-minded scholar who can barely speak English, but by someone who is fully aware of the contemporary environment, is a good communicator, and someone young people can relate to.) Does the Islamic Society at your university only ever discuss topics such as perfecting your prayers and how you can do charity? Or does it openly acknowledge that university is a time when you may have a whole range of personal issues, and therefore advertises suitable welfare services? Do our community leaders shun discussion of very personal problems or do they lead the way in acknowledging that personal problems do exist, and create initiatives to tackle these problems in an effective and Islamic way?
Ask yourself each of those questions and you will see that as a community we need to be doing far more to support the homosexuals among us.
Fortunately, I met an extremely knowledgeable Muslim who’d given a few talks at my university. I got to know this person, their open-minded nature, and knew I could approach them to discuss my homosexuality. The day we met up and I told them, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I no longer had to struggle on my own but could talk to somebody if I needed to. I then told a couple of my closest friends at university who I also knew I could trust. One of them afterwards gave me a hug, and that meant the world—knowing that this person wasn’t going to treat me any differently.
I’m now at a stage where being homosexual no longer bothers me as it once did, and I can now focus on the more important things in life. I have the odd struggle, but I guess sexuality just isn’t a straightforward thing. Having been through all the mental anguish though, I do feel for those who are on their own right now, unable to turn to anyone for advice and support. If you’re a Muslim struggling with your sexuality, I’m not going to offer you some generic advice as some scholars might, and then avoid your actual concerns altogether. I really wish I could point you in the right direction—but that’s part of the point of this article, that the Muslim community needs to do more to support those of us who are homosexual and Muslim.
I will say, though, that you’re definitely not alone. There is an Islamic viewpoint that says the having of same-sex feelings is itself no sin. And contrary to how others may make you feel, you’re no less of a human being or a good Muslim. I wish you all the best, and really hope you find the support you need.
Anonymous
As a counselor and as a member of the Muslim community I wholeheartedly agree that the Muslim community needs to do more to support our brothers and sisters who identify as homosexual and Muslim. Not only do we need to do this because it is an increasingly discussed issue to address but because we have an obligation to support our fellow brothers and sisters in any way that they need to feel accepted, valued and honored as human beings and as members of the community. I believe that this fundamental principle is one that is inline with the values and teachings of Islam and I believe that all of the values and teachings of Islam are completely inline with humanitarian values.
Regardless of the varying opinions within our community of what our religion instructs us to do, not to do, or what to tolerate, we at the very least as a community need to create a sense of “community” if we are to call ourselves one. A community is a group of people that share a commonality which creates a sense of kinship or bonding that unites its members. Often the commonality that unites the members of a community is only one among many aspects of the individuals that make up the group. There is inherently a great deal of diversity within any community because the nature of humanity and the human experience is such that each person has a vastly different experience of life via their own unique perspectives, emotions, thoughts, feelings, upbringing and personality. Thus, just as in a biological family you have widely varying opinions and perspectives among family members, so too in a larger community. And similarly, just as one would expect that they are still considered an equal part of their biological family even if their opinions or behaviors differ, so too should the same hold true for community.
The one commonality that defines the members of the Muslim community is that they identify themselves as Muslim. Aside from that we have a vast diversity of all types of individuals for a multitude of aspects that make us different from one another. It is not up to anyone of the members of the community to determine whether a person is Muslim or not, that is something only Allah can determine. For we do not know what is truly in the hearts of people- this knowledge is reserved only for Allah who is the Knower of Hearts. Thus our only job as a community is to accept those who identify themselves as Muslim and to provide a place for them to feel supported and safe and find help along their path of struggle in this life. Being Muslim, just like being human, is a path that spans the course of ones life. It is an ever evolving path that curves and twists along the way, often times causing the traveler a great deal of strife and turmoil. The nature of that struggle is between the traveler and his or her creator, not with the members of the community. As members of the Muslim community it is our duty to provide refuge for the travelers along their journey. We do this through support by providing resources, sharing personal struggles, offering guidance and anything else to help that individual find his or her own way on the path of Allah. It is not our place to make judgments of people and to determine who is following the path correctly or not and who deserves to be accepted or not. Our job is to provide support for our community members. And given the specific struggles that our diverse community members face, it is our responsibility to make attempts to provide the kind of support that is sensitive to and in-tune with those particular varying types of struggles.
Although it may not be helpful to have public debates on the nature of homosexuality in Islam, as I believe this is something that should be reserved for ones personal scholarly inquiry within the appropriate means of acquiring Islamic knowledge from the Ulama, I do believe that there is much that can be done to address this need in our community. First is to provide access to professional counselors who are trained in the art of emotional support through unconditional positive regard. Even counselors who are Muslim and who may not share the same beliefs regarding homosexual behavior as some non-Muslim counselors, as professionals in the field they are trained to understand that it is not helpful to project your own beliefs onto the person whom you are trying to help. Counseling is not about directing one toward a particular end. It is about guiding the person in the direction of what that individual feels is most congruent with who they are. The notion is that when one is more inline with who they really are inside and bringing that into self acceptance, then the natural course from that point is toward growth and thus mental and emotional health. Along that path is where the individual is able to make their own choices of what they feel is most in tune with their true nature. And that is something that although we are given guidance as to how that is defined within Islam, it is still up to the individual to make sense of it on their own internally.
This internal personal reflection is something that is a very important part of being Muslim and an integral part of the path of Islam. At the same time the notion of unconditional positive regard is also something that is necessary for people to feel accepted and to really feel the safe space to go through the struggle of making sense of themself and the world. And it is the nature of our Prophet, salallahu alayhi wa salam. In the stories of the seerah and what we know from hadith, the Prophet (saaws) always made people feel accepted and loved, even if they were doing something that was forbidden in Islam. Because it was his nature to be graceful and merciful and he had the best manners, but also because he understood the nature of humanity. He knew (saaws) that in order for people to have an open heart and continue on in their path, they needed to be treated with love and acceptance. Thus as a community we need to make sure that the ones who are providing Islamic guidance or disseminating religious edicts do so not only with proper balanced knowledge but that they deliver it with empathy to the person’s situation and with compassion and positive regard.
Muslims who identify themselves as homosexual should be able to feel that their community of fellow Muslim brothers and sisters provide a safe space where they can feel accepted and still have access to the same camaraderie and bond that goes along with being a part of a community. And we as a community need to make more effort to make sure that we are upholding the proper behavior and manners with which we treat our fellow brothers and sisters as exemplified by our beloved Prophet (saaws) who was the most gracious and accepting of all people. Given that the common denominator that defines our membership in the Muslim community is only that we are Muslim, if a person identifies him or herself as a Muslim, regardless of whether they also define them self as homosexual, we should give the same rights and privileges to that person as any other member of the community. People are multifaceted, dynamic creatures. There are many levels and layers that make up the whole person, much of which is a mystery to all but Allah. What a persons state is only He can know. If you see a person who is striving in the way of Allah and has been granted the opportunity to know Islam, embrace that person as your brother or sister for truly you share in a great blessing.
Sincerely,
Your Brother in Islam
“Fatima Y”