Unsure of what to do..
Dear Fatima,
I’m a 19 year old girl unsure of what to do. One of my Muslim friends has been “dating” a boy younger than her. Let’s call the girl Aya and the boy Samer (fake names). First it was just talking. Then it got to the point where they were meeting up, and he was hugging her. Then, they went to an event at a hotel with their families and they ended up in a hotel room together. Aya’s sister got there before they did anything completely haram, but Aya was dressed inappropriately and had her scarf off. Her parents found out and basically went crazy.
I was shocked when I found out. I kept telling her to not do that and she eventually thought that I liked the boy and started becoming jealous of me. She did tell me that it won’t happen again. But she continued to talk to him and they were VERY friendly at school Our friendship was slowlyy falling apart, but we were still friends. Coincidentally, Samer’s sisters and I are best friends. Anyways, one day before school, a Muslim girl told me that Aya and Samer met up in a classroom before school. Again, I was shocked. I told Aya’s sister (also my friend) and I’m like tell Aya she has to be careful. I also told Samer’s sister. They were both thankful that I told them. The next day, they all ganged up on me and said that I was a liar and that I was causing problems and everything. It was horrible.
I apologized for telling them but I said I did it because I cared about them, which was the reason why.
Since that day, I haven’t mentioned their relationship at all. I’m close to both girls alhamdulillah. But I do know that Aya and Samer meet up a lot and do things that are haram. They’re also planning on getting married in a few years. Aya went out of state to college and Samer plans to go to the same out of state college with her. Their parents don’t know any of this.
Aya is a very good and smart girl and I don’t want her to do haram things. I don’t want her reputation to be damaged either. I know that both Aya and Samer’s parents said there’s no way that they’re going to get married. I don’t want Aya to be disappointed and just heartbroken when it doesn’t turn out that way. People have asked for her and and since it isn’t Samer, she said no.
I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want to tell their parents because I’d be losing a lot of close friends. But I don’t want to see Aya’s life ruined. Fatima, please help me.
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As Salaam alaikum,
You are an incredibly caring friend. What you are concerned about is very legitimate and extremely open hearted, but something that you must understand is that you cannot control what anyone does – no matter how much you want to protect them. Some people will have to learn their own way and all we can do is pray that Allah guide them. In this case, I do not think it would be appropriate to tell her parents unless she’s in physical harm, in which case you would need to let her know that you will be informing her parents and that you know the consequence could lead to losing a good friend. There are times in life when we need to let go of old friends and let them find their way back to the “path”. It’s great that you still have a good relationship with the girl; I would suggest staying clear of that part of her life though. Maybe you might want to talk to her and let her know that you value her friendship and the reason you reacted to it in the past is because you really do not wish to see her get hurt. However, if she is going to continue the relationship that you’d really prefer to not discuss it. Let her know you love her and that you want to still remain a part of her life. Reassure her that you will always be there for her if she ever needs anything. Perhaps now is also a good time for you to meet new friends, some people that share your interests. Sometimes people drift, sometimes you’re really good friends chose a lifestyle that you are not comfortable with, and that is ok. You need to make sure that you have done what you can and leave the rest to dua. In this situation, you have done all that you can. You are a wonderful friend that Aya is very lucky and fortunate to have – and as her wonderful friend pray for her.Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
“Fatima SD”
HA18
Yea, I second Fatima’s response and the comment by zquadri. You are such a caring friend. You care about Islam deeply and you clearly want the best for your friend. I think the most you can do is just try and say something to the person but sometimes people get blinded by what they are doing and won’t listen to your reasoning. She has already been caught so there is not much left for you to do. I would just pray for the both of them, and also pray for yourself. Pray that you are not tested like this. Even though her and the guy’s actions seem clearly illogical and wrong from an Islamic perspective, we, as human beings, never know how we would act if we were in their positions. It’s really easy to with baby steps to fall into something like that. May you be blessed with friends who are as caring and loving as you 🙂
zquadri00
Hi Sweetheart,
Whoever Aya is, she is incredibly lucky to have you as a friend. And maybe not today but somewhere down the years- she will look back and realize what a good person you were to look out for her the way you did.
I agree with Sister Fatima’s response 100%.
There is only so much you can do when another is aware and in charge of their own actions. May you always have this kind and genuine heart which cares so much for people you love. It’s a beautiful quality.
Best Wishes