feeling immature and worthless
Dear Fatima,
I am 17, and I added my friend on snapchat and because of my immature self I didn’t stop adding her. I was being invasive. I was being clingy, it was my fault. She keeps blocking me. Today, I decided I would never add her again to respect her wishes and more importantly to maintain my self respect. But the mistake has happened, I am shattered and in complete guilt. Outside of snapchat our only form of communication is email. But I only email her about school stuff. She emailed me…
“Please stop adding me on Snapchat. I’ve already told you I don’t Snapchat people that I’m not close to. Also, please stop constantly emailing me, it is a form of cyber bullying. I’ve talked to both the counselors many times about this. You make me uncomfortable and it’s not pleasant for me. what you’re doing is rude. I am happy to help people with school work, but you’re acting invasive and clingy. I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to contact me”
I have known her for years but this year something has changed, I’m completely broken and I’m contemplating suicide because my actions were so, so immature. I’m feeling like a worthless emotional mess that doesn’t deserve friends. From this email, I have realized that I have become too possessive of people. What do I do?
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Assalamu ‘alaykum,
In the way that you are talking about yourself and about the situation, it appears that you are really feeling badly about yourself.
Is this something that you normally feel? Or was it brought on by this particular situation?It’s never comfortable to realize that a friend is no longer as close as you’d like them to be. It can be really painful.
The fact that she doesn’t want to be close to you doesn’t translate into a statement of your value.The depth of your pain suggests that this is something that you might want to take to a counselor to help you sort it out – especially if you feel this way about several situations in your life. You mention that you feel so guilty, and so broken, that you are contemplating suicide. Sometimes people feel that way as a way to “disappear” from a situation where they feel embarrassed or ashamed. Talking to a counselor about it might help you see the difference between making a mistake (regret) and being a mistake (shame).
Allah (swt) has created all of us with something special, and none of us are mistakes. If we were created as a mistake, then we would be calling Allah (swt) imperfect, right?
So it’s up to us to discover what our purpose is, and what strengths Allah (swt) has given us to contribute to the world.It might help to spend some time talking to people who care about you and ask them: What am I good at? What are the things that you appreciate about me?
Their feedback might help you begin to see those good qualities in yourself.
You might also be able to start to brainstorm ideas of how you can use those strengths to overcome the particular challenges you are facing right now.
For example, if someone says “you are really compassionate” then you can ask yourself, “how can I use my compassion to help me figure out the best way to handle the situation with this girl I used to be friends with?”As you do some of this self-exploration, if you feel like shame is an issue you struggle with you might want to check out Brene Brown’s work (http://brenebrown.com/videos/), which might give you some ideas about what to work on with a counselor.
From reading the young woman’s email, it does seem like you need to take a few steps back to give her some space.
Hopefully after you’ve spent some time figuring out the specifics with a counselor, you’ll know whether or not there is room for a different type of friendship with her in the future.wa ‘alaykum salam
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
“Fatima Z”
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As salaam alaikum,
I’m sorry you’ve been going through a tough time with this person. Some times as we get older, even our closest friends from childhood grow apart, it’s natural. Especially when starting a new school year, you may not have seen each other all summer, you may not have a lot of classes together, and thus allowing you to meet new people and expanding your social group. This might be a good time for you to expand your circle of friends also, people who share your same interests. Consider joining clubs at your school or sports teams, perhaps set up study sessions with new people in your class. This will allow you to expand your network without feeling low because others old friends have moved on.
Also, I’d highly suggest seeking help either at school from a counselor or ask your parents to help you find a therapist in your area. A therapist will help you gain better understanding of your emotions and help you figure out ways in dealing with those feelings.
I pray you find peace in your old friendship, and find new meaningful ones.Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
“Fatima X”
HA18
You may be surprised at how many people can be accused of being “clingy”. A lot of people go through this and it’s one of the more painful stages of growing, becoming more mature, and learning who we are.
Echoing what everyone else has said, it’s clear you are a super honest person who just wants to be sweet and nice. I don’t think you have a bad intention and the fact that you bothered someone made you feel bad and you were willing to take the blame says a lot about how great of a person you really are. A lot of people, who are ACTUALLY bullies, would never be so honest.
It’s painful, but it is important to cut these people off. When you make an honest effort to cut off people from your life who may not want you there or who you believe are not good for you, you will see your life evolving and changing in ways you couldn’t imagine with new and better people. It’s scary because there are unknowns and feelings of loneliness. Sometimes we find that we miss the good times we had with the people we cut off. But ultimately, it is for our own good.
I pray that your life is filled with new people who you can truly call your friend. I promise you that this is temporary and your quality of relationships will improve. It starts with you! This is a sign for you to achieve new levels of peace, strength, and happiness. Wishing you the very best in all life has to offer.
Anonymous
Thanks for the support, I really needed it.
As much as I want to make time for myself, the majority of my life as a senior is surrounded by school, homework, and therefore, people. I just counted and there are tons of people that I don’t know, 13 people that make me feel like I’m a worthless human being and 13 who love me for who I am when we are together. Majority of times, I don’t get to choose which ones out of the 26 I’m surrounded by. When I sit in class, the past memories of being with any of those 13 haunt my mind while I am trying to learn. I can’t get myself out from this process of thought. what can I do to escape from such thoughts and situations?
Anonymous
Focus on those who love you for who you are…even if it’s just one person. Don’t drown yourself in past memories…give yourself a chance. Move ahead. When we keep looking back, we rarely ever allow ourselves to forgive our mistakes. Your thought process is in YOUR control. You attract what you think…so think about what the ideal life would be, focus on what amazing things you want happening to you. And somehow that is exactly what the environment brings to you.
Anonymous
But how can I isolate myself from so many people? I’m practically left friendless. And although I try to act ok with it, my heart aches every day for someone to appreciate me 🙁
zquadri00
Your appreciation begins within. If you are not loving yourself and appreciating your own qualities, it may never seem possible that others will. Take out time for yourself…discover what you love to do- read, watch funny movies, pray, learn about Islam (listening to Nouman Ali Khan YouTube videos can be surprisingly rejuvenating). You don’t need to isolate yourself but maybe just expect less in terms of what a friendship is…be okay with an acquaintance at school, be okay with just a hi how are you and don’t expect it to become a “till death to us part” kind of a bond. Those bonds come naturally, you don’t need to fight so hard for it.
In my humble opinion sweetheart, I will suggest you do what helped me out of my little rut- discover who you are. The friendships which left me broken helped me become a better person. Instead of wasting my time fighting for a friend to appreciate me, I began giving time to myself, my family, and mentoring my little girl cousins so they have somebody to lean on if they ever went through tough times.
There’s a lot you can do – it’s a matter of how long you want to spend looking at a closed door versus running through the many many open doors around you.
Feel free to write more sweetie, i’ll be here for you.
Best Wishes,
Anonymous
Hi Sweetheart,
Firstly let me tell you that from reading your post I can already tell you that you are far from worthless. You feel so much genuine pain and genuine attachment- how can a person with that much love are care be worthless?
The actions of constantly e-mailing and adding on snap chat are a habit you are having trouble breaking. I’ve had friends when I was your age and when they rejected my efforts as a friend, it made me go a little crazy. I would try harder and harder to enter their life but in the process I lost a lot of self respect and obviously those “friends” too. I felt bad about myself because of the friend’s reaction to my efforts. But one day, I had to take a minute- I had to sit back and think through…what is going on? Is this worth it? Why do I have to literally chase people?
I made a decision to much rather isolate myself from those people than chase them and embarrass myself. And let me tell you, many years later today- because of that decision that I made, I have few but AMAZING friends in my life.
You don’t need to contemplate suicide over friendships or feeling immature. This is what life is…this is where you learn from your experience, where you learn what growing up is, and how life and people are.
Thanks for making the effort to write so honestly about your situation. The reason I feel like you must be a great person is because you didn’t blame others around you- you saw the fault in yourself. It takes a LOT of courage to accept where you are going wrong yourself- but the best part about that is, you can also fix yourself.
Don’t label yourself with ‘depression’ and ‘worthless’….these are phases in life which all of us go through. They mold us into the person we are to become. These experiences will make you stronger and wiser.
Best Wishes.