Hidden

If you really knew me, you would know that I’m a fake. When I’m in a crowd of new people, my first instinct is to cower. When I say cower, I don’t mean to actually shake in fright. I’m mean that I automatically place people above myself and I feel like “I don’t deserve” to talk to them. More or less, I judge people. I feel like such a hypocrite but I’m constantly judging others, even though I verbally condone it all the time. As soon as I see someone with expensive clothes, pretty hair or even just seem like they have a great life, I place them above myself. Now rationally speaking, all those things won’t matter in the long run and I know everybody is facing their own problems, but it just seems like when I reach these moments with others, my mind doesn’t want to think rationally. At that moment, I’m thinking about the weight I’ve put on, how huge my torso looks in the shirt I’m wearing, even something as simple as the way I walk. Now if you met me randomly sometime, you wouldn’t know that. For some reason, my coping mechanism for all of this is acting like the opposite of how I feel. I act loud and friendly and funny, walk around like I know exactly what I’m doing, throw a smile to anyone coming my way. The only flaw in this plan is that it all adds up. I keep my fear and my insecurity and my anxiety tucked away until the day it overflows. I’m sitting at home in my room thinking about everything thats wrong with me and how it would all be easier if I was thinner. I tell myself over and over that Allah made me like this and Allah is the best of planners, but I’m at the point that everything has been stored away for so long that my mind won’t think logically. “I don’t like myself”, “I’m not good enough”, and “what’s the point” run through my head like a broken record. This all comes down to the fact that if you really knew me, you would know that I consider myself a liar. I apologize.