The little girl who survives..
There was a girl when she was like 5 or 6, she was wronged by her neighbour who was so kind to her family.. his age was about her fathers age. For so many evenings or noon, he lured her to some quiet place sometimes in his house and did his disgusting thing to her . when ‘things’ finished, he told her he loved her and ask her to kiss his cheek. She didn’t understand what happen but she knew it was wrong..
This girl had a best friend, she always came to her best friend house to watch tv and to play.. but in the house there was another evil man.. he did the same to the little girl, or maybe worse. She was hurt.
One day she tried to open up to her group of friends.. there was another friend who also experienced the same. She was quite relieved she wasn’t alone. But there was also another girl who threatened and blackmailed her.. she said things like ‘I will tell your parents if you…blah3’.. from that on, she swore she would never told anyone any more. but the burden was so heavy in the chest of that little girl.. these things happened almost daily as far as she could remember..
One day she played with her fathers voice recorder.. she didn’t knew how to use it, she pressed the record button and recorded her voice but she couldn’t hear it played back..after so many trials, she was convinced the recorder was broken.. then she recorded what happened to her in the tape. she knew it was broken. No one could listen. she just need to let it out.. few weeks later, she learned the button “rewind” . Of course. The recorder was not broken. She was afraid if anyone in the house would find out. She tried to find the cassette. Unfortunately she couldn’t find it. From there on, she swore she won’t say a word to anyone or any things any more. She will kept everything to herself.
When she was 10, she and her family moved to other place. She grew up safely there but in her mind, she always though she was dirty whilst her friends were pure.. she wanted to feel how other kids felt without all those experiences. How it felt to be pure..
Not a day went by that she didn’t think about it. She hated her left hand because disgusted with what it touched. She hated her self. She hated the word ‘love’. For her love was what he said and did to her. She hated it when people hug or kissed her cheeks. it felt dirty. She was triggered when heard the word ‘rape or molest’ or any of it in her language. She trembled whenever she saw news about rape in tv. She suffered anxiety but no one knew anything. People just thought she was a quiet little girl. She was really good at hiding. She didn’t trust anyone.
During her elementary school school break, she was wronged again by someone close to that family. This happen almost every school break. She didn’t talk about it because she was afraid if people would think she made it up. So she kept silent.
She started to think that guys were only after ‘that’ when sees her. She hated to be a girl.
For her, every guy who were interested in her were due to lust. Her sexual orientation changed.. Her sexual orientation was not normal.
She had a crush here and there. but all of them were girls. She hated it. It was not like she asked for it. She hated herself more for being not normal. She was badly hurt because of her not normal sexual orientation….She was afraid of God but she didn’t know how to control what she felt and to whom she felt… She ended up hated herself even more.
When she was in university, again she was wronged..by her closest lecturer.. just when she thought there was a decent guy who became close to her sincerely, the trust was crushed into ashes..
She wants to be closer to Allah.. her past haunts her. She struggle with bad addiction, depression and God knows what other mental illness she had.. She tried and failed so so so many times. She read self help books and listened to Islamic lecture..
then she fall again depth into the darkness..
Now she is in her 20s.. her family started to push her on marriage.. honestly she doesn’t want to get married yet. She still have bad feelings with any guy who are interested in her. And in her life she witnessed so many broken marriage and unfaithfulness.. With the experiences she had, she just can’t fathom the fact that she’s gonna go through that. The fact that she’s gonna give her body to a man and being controlled.. and the fact that men are usually unfaithful in marriage.. no.. she can’t digest that. She had enough with what she had all her life..
She does not hold grudge to men. In fact she is genuinely happy to see her friends getting married.. but she cannot help to think that only in her case, men who after her are only after sex.
She is not against marriage.. but it feels so wrong to get into it when her heart refuses.. it feels even wrong to feel like that because marriage is our prophet’s sunnah.. Back in her mind she wanted to get married..to a pious guy ..she wanted to change…and had a better life..but every time the opportunity comes, she was haunted by her past..
This girl has kept all these from her family and not in a million years she would want them to know about it.. to them she is a good girl and modest.. they are proud she is not wild and that she grew up as a good person..
little that they know..
Anonymous
If she would like Stones to Bridges to help her find a professional Muslim therapist in her area, we have a Contact Us form at the footer of our website which she can fill out. We’d love to help! We pray this website has been helpful in reminding her that she’s not alone in all this…she has so many brothers and sisters who love her for the sake of Allah and are here to support her as deserves to be!
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaykum Sister,
This is a tragic and difficult story, one that is filled with so many painful abuses and violations against this girl, who is now a woman. I would like to say first and foremost that it is clear that this girl did nothing to deserve or provoke this kind of behavior against her. The adults and individuals who made these irresponsible choices are to blame and should feel impure and dirty.
Unfortunately, sexual abuse happens to many girls and women in our community. We need to be able to talk about it so that we can begin to address the problem of childhood sexual abuse/violence rather than pretending that it doesn’t exist in Muslim community. So, thank you for sharing and raising our attention to this critical issue.
Many sexual abuse survivors attempt to manage and cope with their emotions and experiences in different and creative ways such as, writing stories, art or journaling to express their emotions. Sometimes sexual abuse survivors will attempt dissassoicate from their painful experiences because it is overwhelming to identify with the abuse or use drugs to numb the overwhelming pain they feel. You suggested addiction issues as well and I wonder how much of this is about self-medicating for the anxiety or depression you may be feeling related to the trauma. I’m going to respond to this as your story (I hope I’m not being too presumptuous) and hope to help you sort through these experiences because it can be very confusing.
Much of the feelings that you’ve described are completely understandable given the circumstances. Feeling an aversion to males because the perpetrators were males is a response to the traumatic experience. Generalizing in this way may be a way to protect oneself from being hurt again. The question becomes, is this a healthy response or does it create more difficultly for you? Suffering sexual abuse affects so many parts of one’s life, body, mind and soul. The trauma doesn’t fade away when it is not fully addressed rather, it tends to build and transforms into coping mechanisms that may be maladaptive and unhelpful for you as an adult.
It seems that you’ve attempted to get help but I’m unsure if you were able to receive specialized help for what you may be dealing with because there have been multiple traumas. Therapists/psychiatrists who are specialized in complex trauma and childhood sexual abuse may be helpful. There are special techniques to help individuals develop skills towards healthier ways of coping. A few techniques that are well studied with positive results are:
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
• Sensorimotor
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
There’s no easy solution however, there are several good options to getting help and taking back your life and not allowing the trauma to overcome you. You seem to have achieved many good things already and my sense is that you are a resourceful women. Allah has given you strengths that you may not fully recognize and I believe that He continue to provide you with strength and resiliency that you have already proved.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you and pray that your resilience and strength will bring you to a better place. I hope the information provides you with some options that may be helpful, Inshallah.
JAK,
“Fatima W”
Anonymous
W’salam..thank you for your reply and suggestions.. You are right..This is my story.. I prefer a third party storytelling to get respond. Some times I do this to my friends as well. Telling them a portion of ‘some girl’s story’ and hear their response. Maybe I’m just too afraid to admit that it actually happened to me.
All this while I have been telling myself that what happened was nothing.. that I can ignore the monster inside my head. Until one day I was triggered again so badly. I lost.. my performance at work dropped. It was so painful that I started to take medicine. I did bad things.. I really didn’t understand why I couldn’t cope at that time. Why can’t I just go on with my life like I always did. I hallucinated (maybe the affect of medicine),then I learned that I suffered depression. But I tried to get up..I crawled until I can walk again..Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, for if it didn’t happen, I won’t start to read self-help books and try to understand my situation better..
I have so many issues to resolve. I don’t know where to start.
InshaAllah sister.. thank you for your du’a.. Thank you for taking your time to reply.. You never know how much it means to me..
Anonymous
To the little girl who was targeted and violated, who didn’t have a voice at the time – you are heard.
To the little girl who found a space to share, and was then bullied for it – you are accepted and understood.
To the little girl who felt dirty – what was done to you is different than who you are.
To the little girl who struggled silently, unseen by those around her – you are seen.
To the young woman who struggled with figuring out her sexual orientation – Allah knows your struggle and will guide you through it.
To the young woman who found her trust again broken – trust will someday be possible.
To the woman in her 20’s now faced with questions about her future – care for yourself, and seek a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse.
I’m sorry that you were alone in your pain.
I’m happy that you found a place to finally raise your voice.
I’m hopeful that by seeking out counseling you may find a safe space to sort out all the things that happened to you, and have impacted your sense of self, of love, and of sex. It won’t be a quick process, but building a life — and if you so desire, a marriage and family — is possible.
-Fatima Z
Anonymous
Thank you… my eyes watered when I read your reply.. Looking back, I don’t know how did I survived as a child.. I used to tell my story in some self-help sites. At that time I struggled badly with my sexual attraction. They helped me a lot with many issues..but as for that particular subject, their advices contradict my belief….
Anonymous
Your words, Fatima, mashaAllah. Thank you 🙂
May Allah bless you always.
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaikum
I am so sorry for what has happened to “her” and even sorrier “she” did not receive proper help. First, I strongly urge “she” seek professional help – even now.
We went through a very similar situation in my family one that still haunts our family. A family member was molested several times by her best friend’s father, who happened to also be a trusted uncle. She too felt dirty and that she didn’t want anyone to touch her – she went through severe depression and came to a breaking point when we had admit her into the hospital in fear of her life. Since then she has pressed charges against her abuser and is seeking intense therapy to help her overcome the years of abuse, suppression and depression.
I share this, because I truly believe that “she”can find happiness through intense therapy. None of what happened to “her” was “her” fault. “She” is worthy of real love, “she” deserves to be treated better and supported more.
Tawakkul is a difficult thing, but it’s something that can be achieved. Trust in Allah – trust in his timing – and trust that Allah knows best.
I sincerely hope “she” finds professional help and that “she” find peace in “her” path – soon.
My thoughts and prayers are with “her”.
Fatima X
Anonymous
Thank you so much for your comment and prayer.. Really appreciate it..
This girl has trust issues.. she lives in a community where girls like her usually stamped as a bad girl.. one time there was a local tv show talked about kids who lead their life astray because of childhood abuse.. the speakers were professional counsellor and ustaza, but there were so much judgement in their speech. That is what she fear the most… being judged and invalidated..
InsyaAllah she will consider professional help when she can find a good one… Maybe there are a lot out there, she needs to build courage and trust…
Anonymous
If she would like Stones to Bridges to help her find a professional Muslim therapist in her area, we have a Contact Us form at the footer of our website which she can fill out. We’d love to help! We pray this website has been helpful in reminding her that she’s not alone in all this…she has so many brothers and sisters who love her for the sake of Allah and are here to support her as deserves to be!
Anonymous
This story reminds me of an article I read today. About an ivy league student who handles her rape in a completely opposite manner. She carries around the mattress that she was raped on everywhere she goes, until she does not have to attend the same school as the man that raped her. She has informed everyone. the school. community, and the media. Rape is a hard thing to deal with altogether, and to keep quiet about it must be even harder.
Here’s a link to the story I was talking about. I am curious to know whether they will expel the student that raped her or not.
http://nypost.com/2014/09/02/ivy-student-carries-mattress-after-alleged-rapist-isnt-expelled/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow
Anonymous
She’s brave..