my moms problem

my moms problem

Dear Fatima,

my mom keeps on pushing me putting pressure on me and i have got enough with her shes always yelling hitting me embarrassing me in front of everyone what should i do to make myself feel better and not try to commit suicide

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As salaamu alaykum

What you are describing sounds like it feels humiliating and like you are not being valued. It’s really important that you make an effort to value your self to remind yourself that you are worthy of love and life. I would strongly advise you to do what you can to spend as much time as you can with people who love and appreciate you and make you feel good about yourself. If you have any friends or family members that you are close to and you feel comfortable with, go to them and be with them. Often times just being around people who accept us and treat us well helps to bring up our spiritis and it reminds us that we are valuable.

If you don’t have people like that in your life, then you need to be that for yourself. Regardless of what you do or how people treat you, you are most definietely deserving of life. Allah has given you life and He knows you and loves you and accepts you. If you can try to remember that and focus on that then you can help bring yourself back to a sense of worthiness; worhty of being respected, accepted, loved and cherished. You are a creation of Allah, therefore your life is sacred and meaningful.

You asked what can you do to make yourself feel better and not commit suicide. That means you want to feel better and you do not want to commit suicide. That is a positive affirmation of life. Feed that life affirming drive by doing things that you love. Take time for yourself to experience good. Allow yourself to enjoy something that makes you comfortable. Be around good people. Write down all of the things that you like about yourself, remaining positive as you record the things that you are appreciative or grateful about yourself and your life. Positive affirmation, life affirmation. This is what you need to do. It’s not difficult, it just takes you deciding that you are going to take control of your situation and own your own sense of worth and embrace your life.

Please continue checking in with this website for affirmation and if you continue to feel down. If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, call 911 immediately. The first goal is always to keep yourself safe. There are many people here who value your life and we will do whatever we can to help you.

With respect,

Your brother in Islam

“Fatima Y”

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Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

I am really glad that you have identified this as your “mom’s problem.”
From what you described, it seems she is either struggling with something and is taking it out on you, or she doesn’t know a way of communicating her frustration with you in a way that is loving.

I don’t know much about your situation – like is your dad in the picture? How old are you? Do you have brothers and sisters? Do you have any adults in your life that might be helpful? Do you have somewhere to go if you feel unsafe?

As you can imagine the advice would be very different based on the specifics of your situation.
So I will just speak to your feelings right now, but if you feel comfortable to post again or post in a comment below with a bit more information, we may be able to offer some more ideas.

It’s is very common for people in situations like the one you describe to feel alone, overwhelmed, and/or trapped. Often thinking about suicide is more about trying to find a way out of the situation than actually wanting to be dead. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for help, especially if you are feeling so alone or trapped that you are thinking about suicide.

It’s also common for people in this kind of situation to be really confused. Sometimes people feel mixed emotions. They might wonder, for example, “why is this person who I love and should love me so mean to me?” Sometimes people start wondering if they actually are the horrible things that the other person is calling them.

I would encourage you to hold onto your first instinct – loving relationships require respectful behavior. So even if your mom feels she has a legitimate concern that she wants to talk to you about, it needs to be done respectfully. 

I know that in some families it’s either not safe, or not considered appropriate to actually say to your parent “please speak to me without yelling” or “please no name calling” or “don’t hit me”. So if having a conversation about the rules of talking to one another is not possible (even with the help of a counselor) then at least know in your heart that it’s not part of a respectful, loving relationship.

Another technique that some people learn is how to redirect the negative energy that is coming at you. So for example, one person I know figured out their mom loves to talk about one topic and no matter what is going on if the kid brought up that topic, her attention would get redirected to that. And she would forget that she had been yelling about something just a few minutes before. It may not work for your mom, but if you notice some things like that then can reduce the negative energy it might give you some time to figure out a longer-term plan for a safe living environment. A counselor (like a school counselor or the campus clinic) should be able to help you figure that out, so consider going to one if it’s possible for you.

As always if you are in immediate danger, and especially if you feel your life is in danger, do not hesitate to call the suicide hotline or 911.

wa ‘alaykum salaam,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”

5 thoughts on “my moms problem”

  2. Anonymous

    I’m sorry to hear of how she treats you. Growing up I had problems with my mother, as well, and I know it’s tough to deal with, but, I promise, you are not alone. There’s three things we don’t choose in life, our co-workers, siblings, and parents. It is our job to come up with a solution to dealing with the issues that arise with them. Communication is one of the possible solutions to solving some issues, but i understand not always. However, you should try to explain in the most bluntest words possible exactly how it is she is making you feel, either to her directly, or to a family member close to both of you who could be of some kind of help. These people who we are born with and have no choice but to deal with, are tests from God. God will never give you more problems than you can handle. Stay strong, and inshallah you will find light at the end of this tunnel.

  3. Anonymous

    As Salaam Alaikum,

    I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your mom. As a mother and a daughter, I want to explain to you that as much as we as children like to think our parents are constantly trying to make our lives difficult, the mother in me likes to correct that thought process and know that I want only the best for my children. Sometimes as a parent, things can get a little overwhelming and parents tend to look over the little things that can add to be a huge a thing for your child. Perhaps you might want to talk to your mom and explain to her how she makes you feel. Tell her in detail that you love her but that her actions are humiliating you. If you can’t talk to her then try an email or letter. Any form of communication is better than nothing. Often times as humans, we are not aware that what we are doing is affecting people around us negatively – and the only way one can correct it is by talking to them so they understand.
    I must say though, if you feel like you want to harm yourself or you are at harm please contact authorities immediately as this is a very important issue. Physical abuse is not ok and harming oneself is just as bad.
    I strongly encourage you to seek help from a therapist in your area, one that can help you with your own thoughts and how to cope with your mother.

    Lots of duas your way
    Fatima X

  4. admin

    As Salaam Alaykum,

    Thank you for your post. I’m so sorry to hear that the relationship with your mother is filled with pain and hurt. You do not deserve to be treated in this abusive manner and you have done nothing to justify this treatment. Your post was very short so, it is unclear to me if there may be other family members in your home who are also experiencing similar abuse from your mother or if the abuse is directed only to you. What is clear is that in such cases of family abuse/violence or child abuse (if any member under the age of 18 years is being abused), the abuse may be experienced by more than one member in a family and so, it is global and unfortunately, several members may suffer due to an abusive parent.

    In Islam, mothers are held in high esteem and deserve our respect and honor so it’s confusing when a mother does not behave in ways that are consistent with being a good mother. It appears that your mother is not protecting you, nurturing you or providing a safe and stable environment for you to grow in accordance with the value that Islam places on mothers. Rather, the behaviors you have described are forms of physical, emotional psychological and verbal abuse. This is detrimental to your growth and development as well as your immediate safety. Many studies examining children who grow up in abusive households suggest that even the mere witnessing and exposure to abuse is harmful and affects neurological development and causes serious behavioral and psychological consequences. This appears to be an extremely unhealthy environment for you and for others in your family unit.

    Although there is no excuse for abuse, there may be various stresses or factors that your mom may be dealing with including mental health issues, lack of knowledge of effective parenting or current domestic violence or prior trauma. She seems to be unable to manage her own emotions and behaviors in a responsible manner. It is her responsibility to get the help she needs as an adult however, she may not know how.

    I also hear that you feel desperate, helpless and hopeless due to the abuse but do not know what course of action to take in this situation. I would like to help by offering a resource for you to consider with the belief that, you are the best judge of your situation and must decide which options are most reasonable for you and your family. There are many good resources in every community to deal with family violence and abuse.

    The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) may be a good resources for you to get information. It is dedicated to the prevention of child abuse and family violence. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with professional crisis counselors. The Hotline offers crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are confidential.

    If you feel you are in danger and your life is being threatened, you need to call 911. Child abuse is a crime and most states have legal remedies for such abuse, especially when there has been evidence of physical harm.

    I hope that you can reach out to this resource and begin to get the help you need.
    My prayers and thoughts are with you and if you require any further assistance, pls let us know.

    JAK,

    Sincerely,
    Your sister in Islam,
    “Fatima W”

  5. Anonymous

    Sweetheart, your short but direct posting made my heart ache. I can’t imagine the emotional distress you must go through. Like Sister Fatima said, had there been more details- the advice could have been more specific. But like her, I will speak in general:

    I hope you have someone you can reach out to- a friend, a mentor and if not- we are here for you. Don’t let your mother’s problem become your declining force. You are brave for seeking help….and I am very, very glad you came to this website. The sister/counselor on here is a wonderful source of assistance.

    Until we hear more from you….let me just tell you, your mother must be in a far worse place in her life to treat her own child in such a way. I have two daughters…there have been times when life, stress, pressures has made me scream at them in a way which I sincerely regret later and the guilt takes away my sleep that I took advantage of my child’s innocence and scream to release my stress at the wrong direction. Sometimes the guilt grows along with the stress in life and it makes one very mentally unstable or emotionally disturbed. It happens to a lot of mothers…but they need someone to tell them to stop. And in your case, we can all help you find that person to make her stop.

    Sweetie don’t contemplate suicide- your worth is far too precious. Not every child could deal with what you deal with…and insha Allah it will come to an end in terms of abuse. Think positively and I am very proud of you for taking the first time towards positivity by seeking help.

    Your mother needs help- emotional, professional or maybe even spiritual guidance. May Allah guide her to the right path. and remember, we are always here for you. Stay strong