First Love

Dear Fatima,

Hi. I’m currently 17 years old, almost 18. I come from a traditionally conservative Iranian family. When I was 15 years old, almost two years go, I became friends with a guy on my Cross Country team. I had been on the team with him the year before that, but we had never really talked before. He had been friendly to me, however, because he generally is a friendly person. But we  just started up a conversation. He then asked me to hang out with him and his friends. One of my closest friends (she still is today) came with me. We had so much fun. However, my mother prevented me upon hanging out with him any further because once she saw that we talk on the phone also, she did not want me to be friends with a boy. However, I still saw him at school and talked to him on the phone. We deeply bonded and he became one of my closest friends. I thought we were perfect together. We understood each other so much, and we were friends. I could talk to him for so long, and loved talking to him more than anyone else. Even though he is a Christian, he is religious too. We had similar personalities, but also opposite qualities (opposites attract). He was very popular and funny, and I was not really popular. He used to have a girlfriend of two years who he had broken up during that time, a little before we became close. After his last days of classes (he is a senior and was graduating a month later) he told me he liked me more than a friend, and not as a little sister. He also told me his ex girlfriend missing him or not did not matter; all he needed was me. I dreamed of marrying him, feeling that this was the start of something new and that he would convert and become Muslim. I felt such a love for him that I will never feel for another man again. But I’ve been struggling with OCD for a while, which he did not know about. I took medication, and the medication made me act crazy. I posted crazy things on facebook that turned him off. He forgave me, but our friendship was never the same, and on top of that he went to college. I hated myself for what I had done and became very depressed, neglecting school and prayer. I felt that I did not deserve to live. My life had seemed so perfect before, not only with him but I had become more outgoing and all of my friends were friends with him. We were all so happy and close. About two months ago, he told me that by more than a friend he meant as a sister, but not little sister because “little” is seen as immature. He also told me it was time’s fault the way things were with us, and it is because he went to college that we are not close anymore. Also, he is not quite over his ex girlfriend now. I’m currently entering senior year of high school. My parents have told me it is very likely that we will be leaving the U.S. one or two years from now. I do not want to leave. My parents will only leave me here if I have a husband. I am trying to be more religious, and I think getting married is good. However, what if my guy friend converts to Islam and I am married by then to someone else? Could I divorce my husband? Do I have to be with my husband in jannah, or could I be with my guy friend?

Dear First Love,

It sounds like you’re feeling the sting of loss and heartache, which is often part of the experience of first love. It’s really tough when we allow our hearts to become attached to someone and it does not work out how we expected. The tough thing about first love is that it usually happens at a time in our lives when things are not stable. Particularly  when we and our peers are going through so much transition as we grow, like your situation with people going off to college and you getting ready to make the same big life transition. It’s a time in our lives when there are so many external factors that we cannot control and things are changing quickly around us. I think that this “guy” may have a point when he said it was time’s fault. But I wouldn’t necessarily look at it as a “fault”. Often times things unfold in the way that they do for a reason. There is a larger flow to your life that is unfolding in a way that will lead you to the experiences that you are meant to have. If you can find a way to try and surrender to that flow it will make all of the changes and transitions much easier.

OCD is something that a lot of people struggle with. Like anything it is something that comes with strengths and weaknesses. The aspects of your self and your mental state that lead to that diagnosis I’m sure come from parts of yourself that are really great strengths that you have. At the same time those aspects of your self can create challenges to overcome and to put into balance. Part of that can be balanced with the help of medication and part of that requires effort on your part to manage certain tendencies and to be merciful with your self in the process. In addition to working with a psychiatrist to manage the medication, it can also really be helpful to work with a counselor to talk about your experiences and to hep you devise strategies to manage the OCD symptoms along with just generally navigating your way through the general common difficulties of growing and changing. I recommend looking at the resources section of this website, or submitting the Contact Us form on this website, to look into finding a counselor to speak with.

In terms of marriage, the best way to ensure a happy and healthy marriage is to make sure that you are in the best place personally and individually. That generally means that you are happy with yourself and have spent sometime understanding who you are, what is important to you and what it is you are looking for in life, ie, what your priorities are etc. That will help in finding the best partner who shares similar goals and priorities. And to be honest, from my own personal experience as well as hearing from and working with others, the college years are often a time when much of that changes and begins to bring clarity on those points. Meaning, you may find that you need some time to reflect and learn about who you are in the world and what matters most to you, and college provides a perfect opprotunity for that as you develop a sense of where you are going and what you want to do in life.

I know it is very hard to think outside of your own experience right now. And I understand that it may seem like this guy is the only one for you. I get that. And it’s important to honor your feelings. And at the same time I can tell you from experience that things will change a lot for you over the course of the next 10 years. You mentioned becoming more religious. Know that the object of religion, and particularly the deen of Islam is to surrender to the Will of Allah. In practice that means to make efforts and try your best to accept what Allah makes for you in your life, and not to get stuck on what you want for yourself. Often times when we follow what we want we create messy situations in our lives becase we are following our own self direction, which is not necessarily informed by wisdom. Allah is the Most Wise and He is the best of Planners. I encourage you to trust that He has a plan for you and that it involves marriage eventually when the time is right and to the person who is right for you. Time and circumstance can’t get in the way of Allah’s plan.

Sincerely,

Your brother in Islam

“Fatima Y”

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Dear “First Love”

It really sounds like the past few years have been quite the roller coaster!
It also sounds like there are two separate things going on – your feelings for your guy friend, and your struggle to feel heard and understood by your parents.

From what you are describing you had (and still have) very strong feelings for this young man. You probably felt such intense feelings for him because this was your first time being friends with a boy and you didn’t expect to have the things in common that you do The intense feelings could also be a part of your OCD, so you might want to talk to your therapist or psychiatrist about that..  

I’m not sure what’s going on in his mind and heart because I only have what you’ve described, but what I can say is this… the likelihood that he will convert to Islam (especially if he is religious in his own faith) is low.

This brings me to the next point – if he were interested in you and/or in Islam, you would need some experienced adult (parent, aunt, uncle, imam, etc.) who could help him figure out what he wanted to do separate from you.

Your relationship with your parents doesn’t seem to be one where you are able to have these conversations openly, comfortably, and constructively.
It also seems that they don’t totally get where you are coming from, and that you don’t really understand where they are coming from.

If I’m right about that, then my first piece of advice is start there – work on your relationship with your parents. Perhaps a trusted adult adviser could help you figure it out if a family counselor is not a possibility.

The second piece of advice I have for you is to never enter into a marriage just so that you can stay in the U.S., and don’t enter a marriage with the intention of divorcing the person sometime later. Neither of those reasons help you build a strong marriage as they are both based on a lack of commitment to marriage – and what is marriage but a commitment that two people?

I believe that as you work on your relationship with your parents, you might be able to use the help that a trusted experienced adult can give to figure out a additional path that you hadn’t thought of. This third option might give you and your parents the essence of what you wish for each other.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima Z”