In a bind

Dear Fatima,

I’m so confused and feel stuck!  I’ve been friends with this guy for a couple years now.  We actually are just friends, but very much like best friends.  He’s never tried getting physically close to me.  I feel like he really cares about me and makes me feel like I am important.

What makes it even more confusing is that I don’t feel like I have anyone else at all who cares about me who wants to be close to me, who I can talk to or just spend time with.  My family has always been dysfunctional so there is no one I can be close to in my family, not even my extended family.  I have a whole bunch of Muslim girl “friends” but no one who actually wants to have a real close friendship because everyone is too busy having so many friends, they don’t have time to be close to anyone.  I have some non-Muslim girl friends and I actually feel close to some of them, but I feel they don’t always have the best advice because I do want to be a good Muslim and they don’t understand those values.

So this brings me back to my guy friend because he is Muslim and has good values and he cares a lot about me, but we both know we aren’t ready for marriage yet.  I’ve tried to stop being friends with him, but then I feel so lonely and alone.  I know Allah is there, but that’s not enough, I need human beings to be close to too.

So confused!

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As salaam alaikum, dear “In a Bind,”

I hope this reaches you in good spirits. I hear a few struggles in your post and I’d like to start by suggesting I think it would be helpful for you to find a local therapist. A benefit in this is that they can hear your entire story and direct you further.  If you need assistance in finding one,  please let us know. 
I understand the need to have meaningful close relationships,  and is very important to have those, but it’s equally as important to have a strong relationship with your self and Allah. A few things that you might want to try:

1. Address your relationship with your parents. Either go to them directly or to a family member (aunt, uncle etc) that can help you. Maybe even suggest that you all go see a family therapist together. Spending time with your family may all that you need. Sometimes we let past experiences jade us, and we don’t give our family enough credit for what they are really capable of. Perhaps they need to hear you and understand what you might be going through. 

2. Address your relationship with your guy friend. Set some stronger boundaries. If you both are not ready for marriage, then perhaps you need to take a break from one another and find other things that can help overcome the loneliness that you feel without him. 

3. Make new friends, Muslim or not. Find people who have the same values as you do, have the same interest as you. Find new interests. Explore a museum or library by yourself or a new friend. 

4. Get involved in other activities – either at your local mosque or in the community. Don’t do this with the sole intention of making friends, try to do this with no expectations and enjoy yourself. 

5. Get active: working out or any form physical activity have many positive mental benefits. When you exercise or stay active, your body releases endorphins which are a great benefit to the brain and can help trigger a positive feeling in your body. 

6. Do social activities by yourself. Take a book to the park or coffee shop – this helps you be comfortable in social atmosphere and allows you to be comfortable with yourself. Learn to be comfortable with yourself and engage in self-reflection. Through self awareness you can improve your relationship with others. 

7. Spend time in salat and or meditation. Being alone with Allah is often times all we need – this helps us overcome some of our own fears. It can give you a sense of calm, peace and balance. It can help you gain a new perspective on things, manage stress, increases self awareness, and helps focus on the present situation. Take time for self-reflection and prayer to understand that Allah swt has a plan for you, and trust in Him. 

Companionship is a natural desire that all humans have, but learning to be comfortable with yourself will help you develop strong healthy relationships. Please consider seeking help in your area. Sometimes what you are going through can lead one to loneliness and depression – seeking a therapist in your area can help you address your needs and overcome any negative feelings. In addition to the suggestions above, keeping a positive attitude to what Allah swt has planned for you with help you move forward in life. Take this opportunity to get to know yourself, Allah, the Prophet (pbuh) and new people that will help you become interested in activities you are eager about. You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima X”