Is there something wrong with wanting a man who takes financial responsibility in a marriage?

Dear Fatima,

I’m a female in my late 20s and Alhamdulillah, I’ve be blessed with a successful and financially stable career; however, when it comes to marriage and finding a spouse, I feel I’d like a man who sees himself as financially responsible for the family, where I’d be happy living in whatever means he can provide; and my income would go into savings for the kids’ future or charity or something along those lines, so that when we have children, our lifestyle isn’t dependent on my working. I feel this would give me the flexibility prioritize my family and stay home with the kids or work part time just for my mental sanity, etc.

I feel there’s wisdom in Quranic and prophetic teachings, not only from a religious perspective, but also from a social and general well being perspective.  I feel Islam teaches us to have utmost respect and a high regard for one another as husband and wife; at the same time, I feel Islam has suggested areas of primary responsibility between husband and wife where there is significant value for each person’s primary area of responsibility, but both help each other out here and there on their own out of love and appreciation (e.g. whether that entails the wife helping financially or the husband helping with household chores, etc).

I’ve been raised in a somewhat traditional family, so in addition to feeling there’s wisdom in the Islamic teachings, I’m used to being around men (i.e. my dad, brothers, uncles, etc) who take financial responsibility, no matter how much or how hard they have to work, and they still treat their wives with much love and respect, and their wives are happy with living in whatever means they can provide, no matter how much or how little.  However, I have seen other women who started stepping in and significantly helping their husbands financially and these women seem to be really stressed out, whereas their husbands aren’t as stressed.

So my question is, is there anything wrong in wanting to be with a man who sees himself as the primary breadwinner in today’s society.  Should I not be making a big deal out of this, especially since I make a good salary?

Oh I forgot to add, this question is more because most of the guys I have attempted to get to know recently for marriage purposes seem to want a woman who will share financial responsibility. Thus my struggle because I want to get married but I’m scared to end up like one of these women who not only ends up taking on financial stress but also is very vested in the well being of her family and kids and don’t want to get burnt out…please help!!

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Assalamu ‘alaykum,

Finding a marriage partner is tough.
It requires a lot of thinking about who you are, the type of life you’d like to build with a partner, and what kind of partner would help you do that… and it requires flexibility.

I think it’s great that you have done some thinking about the values you hold in high regard.
It’s perfectly reasonable to prefer a traditional marriage because it speaks to the type of household you are trying to build. I would also encourage you to look at the whole person you are considering.  By that I mean, really understand who he is and his values. You may find that you will find someone who prefers a traditional marriage, but doesn’t match you on other criteria, and vice versa. You may also find that life circumstances prevent you from actually putting into practice the intention you had for a traditional marriage.

The decision to work after marriage, and especially after having kids is dependent on so many things; you are right, it is stressful and requires focus on the higher objectives of life and of marriage to get you through the times that are tough. So I would also recommend you figure out how the person deals with conflict and stress so that you both know how to help each other when those challenges present themselves.

You are ahead of the game in the sense that you have thought about this issue deeply and can articulate why you feel the way you feel. That helps when you are having conversations with potential spouses because it allows you both to talk directly and openly on two of the issues that can be the source of a lot of marital conflicts – money and expectations about roles and responsibilities.

May Allah be with you as you search for the right match.

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam

“Fatima FM”

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Salaams Sister,

I believe you are on the right path. Finding the right spouse is difficult but to know what you want ahead of time and expressing those expectations prior to marriage is very important. Hold firm to your beliefs and express them to your partner. While you have these expectations, I would suggest keeping an open mind to the curve balls life throws at us. A lot goes into marriage – and though finances are a huge part of the equation, it isn’t everything. Look at the individual for everything they can offer to you and your potential family. Although being a good provider includes supporting your family financially there are other factors to keep in mind as well such as someone who is mentally, physically and emotionally involved in his family. I feel that most men who hold true to the prophetic teachings of Rasullalah will also be ones to hold true to being a decent family man. Also all relationships hold different roles for each individual. Make sure to communicate your feelings, wants and desires with your spouse. Be ready to negotiate and open to different ideas or strategies to find something that works best for you and your spouse. Try and see things from your partner’s point of view, he was raised different than you and may have something great to offer.  I really think you are headed in the right direction, and I encourage your to keep strong to your beliefs with an open mind to other possibilities. I’d also suggest seeking therapy prior to marriage to gain a strong foundation with your partner. InshaAllah the rest with fall in place.

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam

“Fatima SD”