Backed Into A Corner
dear fatima
hello, I am here to ask for help i am 14,male and i am half Arab and half american i always loved Islam and i always wanted to be close to Allah but one of my problems is that i cant get myself to pray i do not know why
i mean sometimes i get myself around to make wudoo and pray and i think its the beginning of me getting in the habit of praying but i just completely miss the next prayer, i don’t know what to do. i mean, i dont want to go to hell i know its not like im being molested but i seriously am scared of dying and going to hell.
now comes my second problem i am seriously attracted to the girls in my class and to make matters worse i think they are in to me, i mean its so hard to say no when a girl asks me out i just don’t know what to do i think i’m seriously considering having sex, i know i don’t even think its legal for me to have intercourse but it seems like everyone is doing it, i know its very haram but its like my soul believes in allah but my brain and body don’t just please help me and tell me what im supposed to do before i go and become a hipocrit
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Dear brother,
It is great that you say you want to “be close to Allah”, because that is really the most important part in understanding and practicing the deen of Islam. The rituals and practices of the deen are all there for the sole purpose of getting us closer to Allah. It sounds like what you are struggling with is committing to and being disciplined about the practices. That is certainly understandable and something that I think is very hard for many of us to maintain. It is a natural part of being human. We resist doing things that our nafs don’t really want to do, even if we know it’s good for us. The important thing for you to understand is that you are not alone in this struggle, it doesn’t make you a bad Muslim, and your lack of discipline with the practices in itself does not doom you to “go to hell”.
Humans are inherently lazy and forgetful. So you already have that going against you in your efforts to practice Islam. Allah knows that this is our state and He is The Most Merciful. It is expected that we will struggle with waking up for fajr, praying five times a day, lowering our gaze, etc. Our job is to continue making the effort, not necessarily to perfect it ever. Remember that the real goal in all of this is to get closer to Allah, like you said, not to master the practices of Islam- that is not the goal. The practices are a means to an end and not an end in themselves. If we can be disciplined about doing all of the things that Allah asks us to do, then we will benefit ourselves even more. But the practices alone won’t save us. The key is taqwa.
Missing prayers and feeling attracted to girls is not a problem. That is just life. Those are things you may always struggle with to some degree. The important thing to focus on is your level of taqwa within that struggle. If you miss prayers, instead of condemning yourself to damnation, remember Allah. Ask for forgiveness. And then allow yourself to receive Mercy. Allah wants you to turn to Him. Yes, that is what prayer is supposed to be about, but it is also turning to Him when you miss prayer and feel bad about it and ask for His help and forgiveness. This is taqwa. The goal is to remember Allah and to strive to be closer to Him. If you remain conscious of yourself and conscious of Allah and allow yourself to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to struggle, then you will eventually open yourself to receiving Allah’s Mercy and thus gain the strength and determination that you need to be more disciplined with your practices.
My recommendation is instead of putting so much pressure on yourself in regards to your actions, pay attention to your intentions and check to see where your heart is. If you focus your efforts on making sure that your heart is in the right place, meaning that it is focused on Allah and your wanting to be closer to Him, then your actions will eventually, naturally follow. It is harder to get yourself to resist desires and be disciplined in your actions if your intentions for doing so aren’t clear enough. Praying for the sake of praying is not intrinsically motivating, because it’s not the real goal. Your goal should not be to be a practitioner of Islam, your goal should be to be in a state of islam, a state of being surrendered to Allah, for the sake of Allah. Once you have established that as your direction and destination, then you can approach the practices as tools along that path to help support that goal.
And in terms of dealing with your sexual desires, the best thing you can do is exercise. It is natural for a young man to have these desires and it is difficult to keep them under control, especially when those around you aren’t. There are physical, emotional and spiritual consequences to getting involved in sexual relations that are all well worth the effort it takes to refrain from such behavior. But it certainly is not easy and it is strongly recommended that you take active measures to strengthen your ability to resist these desires. Intensive exercise is the best thing. In order for it to significantly curb the desires it must be at least 3 times a week minimum and for at least 30 minutes each time, preferably more. It also has to be high intensity to have a real effect; meaning you should be out of breath and not able to hold a regular conversation while exercising. In addition to this you do need to make an effort to lower your gaze and not to feed into the desire by giving yourself more stimuli to fuel the fire.
Again, be merciful with yourself. Don’t be so quick to judge yourself as being a lost cause. Life is a struggle and Islam is about struggling and striving. You are not expected to always get it right. You are just expected to continue striving.Sincerely,
Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima Y”
Anonymous
Dear Brother,
Your age is one where the hormones begin to rage inside a youngsters body. But what makes me happy is that you are aware of Allah. Even if you were to have sex you would feel awful before, during, and after because you know Allah is watching you and you care commiting one of the worst sins. Let alone what you put yourself through…think about what you are doing to the girl. She is someone’s daughter…don’t do to her what you don’t want a boy doing to your daughter one day. I know its hard but the best thing to do is keep yourself busy- try not to have the “alone” time in which these thoughts pester you. And keep in mind, the age will pass…and those girls coming on to you, they will just as strongly come on to some other guy…you are not special to their needs. The thing about sex is that it makes people behave like animals if you submit to your desires. I have faith you will always choose the right path- I have faith you will keep yourself pure until marriage. I always say if a boy has had sex, he doesn’t deserve a pure wife either. If you do have sex, would you be okay with a girl who has had sexual intercourse with other men? No. You wouldn’t. It is your wife- you want her in the purest form. So don’t be a hypocrit. Keep your purity. Lastly, think about your mother….she will face punishment for your acts. Are you really willing to risk so much for a physical need?
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaikum,
First I’d like to say, your matters are no less important than anyone elses. This is your struggle, and inshaAllah you will get through it.
Prayer is not always something that comes easy to everyone. It makes you take time out of your day to do movements that sometimes you just don’t see the point in. However, meditation has shown to be helpful in mindfulness and taking control over yourself when placed in difficult situations, such as the when you decide if you are going to have sex. Taking the time out to pray may bring you back to grounding yourself in situations like dating. I suggest you regroup as to why you should pray. Go back to the source and make yourself familiar with the benefits to salat.
You are 14, inshaAllah you have your entire life ahead of you – and though it isn’t always easy and it won’t get easier to maintain abstinence till you are maybe older and ready or even married, its beneficial to you. Perhaps you may want to redirect yourself here a bit. Think about your future, and long term goals. Consider your willingness to postpone current pleasure for larger future rewards, such as the ability to control your impulse, emotions and desires. There are more rewards to this such as self worth. You don’t want to sell yourself short. Some scholars have suggested when the urge comes about to donate your time or money to a good cause. It will help you refocus. With the combination of charity work, prayer and fasting you could be on your way to building a stronger faith foundation for yourself. If still you consider moving forward with sexual relations please educate yourself on what sex is and how to be safe. More importantly talk to your parents and a teacher you trust for more information.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima X”
Anonymous
Assalamu ‘alaykum, “Backed into a Corner”
What you are describing really sounds tough — and I think a lot of people feel like their soul wants to be one way and their brain and body are pushing them another way. Maybe thinking of that light in your soul like a lighthouse will help. Because you obviously have a desire to be close to Allah (swt) and that light in your soul wants to guide you there.
As for your first challenge – prayer is something that is a habit. So it takes some time to get there, and you have to just keep trying until it starts become easier. It’s kind of like exercise – the first time or two your body is like “what are you doing to me??” but then as the body starts feeling the benefits of working out, it starts getting excited about exercising and you miss it if you forget to go to the gym. Prayer is like that, but it’s different too. Prayer is a relationship between you and Allah (swt). So picking stuff that is meaningful to you is important. It’s your time to say thank you and ask for help with the stuff you are struggling with.
Some things that sometimes help people make prayer more meaningful to them are:
1) Saying your intention out loud and in a language you understand before you start
2) Reading the parts of the Qur’an that you understand during prayer
3) Making sure you understand the dhikr (remembrance) you say in each position
4) Taking the time to make a prayer in a language you understand asking for what you need help with
Maybe reading some of the other posts on the site will help you if you are also feeling “Forget it! I’ve missed so many already.”
For your second challenge – girls and premarital sex
I have to say, for guys and for girls who don’t wear hijab, it’s tough. There is nothing that distinguishes you as “Muslim.”
In some ways it’s easier to not get called out, but in other ways it means that if you want to act in a way that pleases Allah (swt) you have to work hard at making your boundaries clear.
The good thing about the fact that you are 14 is that if you set your boundaries early, then the word will spread that you don’t date and the number of people asking you will start going down.
The tough thing about being 14 is that all these feelings are new, and strong, and you haven’t had the time and experience to learn how to manage all your feelings.
It sounds odd, but prayer will help.
It will help because as you connect more deeply with Allah (swt) you’ll feel stronger and more able to hold your ground when someone asks you to do something your soul tells you isn’t a good idea.
Another thing that will help is to learn about why it’s not a good idea for you to have sex at your age and outside of marriage.
There is a ton of stuff out there about the health risks that go along with intercourse – especially with people who may have had sex with people before you.
There is also research that shows when you have sex with someone, your body makes powerful bonding hormones.
If this is not your life partner, someone who has committed to being there for you through thick and thin for as long as they live, it’s emotionally risky to bond that deeply with someone and for them to bond with you like that.
It is the ultimate respect for yourself and for the girls that are asking you out to decline until you are ready to get to know someone for marriage, and when you are ready to take on the responsibilities that come with it.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima W”