Conflicted

Conflicted

Dear Fatima,

I am 23 year old female. I used to like this brother (brother A) for a very long time, and discussed him as a potential spouse with a religious figure in my community. It amounted to nothing because I knew the brother wasn’t ready for marriage (which was confirmed after the person I spoke with talked to the brother). Fast forward to some months later, another brother (brother B) came into the picture and currently marriage is being discussed. I really like brother B because he’s a great person, we get along very well, and we are very compatible. However, whenever I see brother A again, my feelings come back and it’s so annoying. It makes me feel guilty because things are progressing and I really want things to work out with brother B, but I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings for brother A. How do I find closure?

Sincerely,
Conflicted

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Dear Conflicted… 

It actually doesn’t sound like you have a conflict at all.
What you have with Brother B is a potential relationship that is built off of interactions for the purpose of marriage.
What you have with Brother A is time and energy that you invested in an idea of what marriage with him would be like – and unless I’m mistaken, that idea is not based on much discussion with him on the topic if any at all.
 
Yet I hear you; those fantasies are powerful.
 
In terms of closure, I would suggest that you consider a few options and do any or all of the ones that make sense.
1) Pray istikhaarah prayer — often! The prayer includes in it a line “…and if this thing is bad for me, turn it away from me and turn my heart away from it.” Praying istikhaarah will make you more confident in your decision and insha’Allah have fewer regrets.
 
2) Make a list of the reasons you are compatible with Brother B. You can even make a list of what makes you not compatible with Brother A. I can already think of something to put on the list: he’s not ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage.
 
3) Avoid contact with Brother A. If you see him, try not to get involved with looking at him or talking to him. This makes sure that you have less fuel for the feelings you are trying to avoid and it makes sure that Brother B doesn’t see those feelings on your face or in your behavior.
 
4) Trust in the fact that as your relationship with Brother B continues to develop that the feelings for Brother A will insha’Allah start to fade.
 
If these don’t help, post again with more info and we’ll think of some other options that can deal very directly with the feelings themselves.
 
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Fatima FM

2 thoughts on “Conflicted”

  1. Anonymous

    Salaam sister,

    Some time has passed and I hope you have found more closure with Brother A. Another suggestion that (regardless of what happens with Brother B) I have is that whenever you see Brother A, remind yourself that he was probably not good for you and Allah has not given you him for a reason.

    Sometimes we do not see what is going on behind the surface of a person. In my experience, I have found that we usually try to fill in the gaps of things we don’t know about a person with things we would do instead. We think that the things we believe or think are normal to believe/think and that it makes sense for others to think what we are thinking, especially people who we have fondness for. Just the fact that you were considering marriage but Brother A is not even in the same mindset is a HUGE indicator. There are probably lots of other things that are different and so it may be helpful that when those feelings come and bother you…remember that you do not know this man and you are only bothering yourself.

    InshAllah you will be blessed with a good match and these difficult feelings will be a distant memory 🙂

  2. sophxiuhhh

    Although I have only limited details on your situation, I would like to say that it is always hard to let go of old feelings you have for someone. But if you have found the strength to develop feelings for another great human being, even if the feelings are mediocre, that is a great thing. That tells me that you are not attached to Brother A, but now have to decide what’s best for you in your given situation. Time will always find a way of giving you closure, so keep your head up. God is with those who are patient. Be patient and just concentrate on doing what is best for Allah, and inshAllah, Allah will mend your heart. slowly but surely.