Urges
Dear Fatima,
I have been having trouble for the past couple of months with sexual urges. I am single female, have never had a boyfriend and the farthest I have ever gotten with a boy is a hug, and that was a friend..not even a boy I was interested it, ( and sorry I know that is wrong….I havent done that again since). Needless to say I am a virgin and strongly believe in staying one until I am married. The only problem with that is I don’t know when I am going to get married, I don’t know anyone who is interested, my parents have started looking but I don’t want to get married to anyone until I have at least graduated with a bachelors..which is still a year away. My urges tend to become stronger when I am stressed out and it is extremely hard to figure out what to do. Masturbation is haraam as I have read, and of course porn is as well. I have unfortunately resorted to porn a couple of times, I just was not able to control myself at all – I felt like either I was going to hit up one of my guy friends and do something or resort to watching something instead…which is what I chose. I know that this is extremely wrong and I feel really bad. I know that porn is not a permanent solution to the problem, but it does help when I feel very strong urges. I guess my question is how can I help control these urges? I have read that fasting is one of the ways, but usually I have these urges at night, and I don’t really have the patience to fast. Also I feel extremely bad about watching porn, what is the best way to ask for forgiveness for such a sin? thankyou.
============================================================================================
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I applaud you for having the courage to bring up this issue because talking about sex is not common in many of the cultures we come from. Yet, this is an issue that many of our community members are struggling with.
I also want to say that because I don’t know anything more about you than what you shared in the post, the advice does not take into account anything about your history and your relationship with your body and your sexuality. Feel free to post again if there is something else that you want to add or ask more about.
Sexual urges are a tricky thing to manage because they are a natural part of being human and encouraged in specific contexts. In other situations, the value you describe (no sex before marriage) means that sexual urges need to be managed and not acted upon.
Since you say that you wish to hold onto that value, and that it’s important to you. Then I will say the following: this is a holistic issue and working on it from multiple perspectives will help, in sha’ Allah.
Emotional – we all crave intimacy; there are often emotional needs that are asking to be fulfilled and we try to fill them through physical closeness. So, there might be emotions that are driving some of your urges. You say, for example, that they seem to be stronger when you are stressed out. What do you think that might be about?
If there are emotions underlying some of your sexual drive, then working on those emotions will help. In addition, building up your ability to process your emotions will help you think and feel your way through situations that come up.
Mental/Physical – people vary in their overall sexual drive; some are higher need than others. So, whatever your base level of need is, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it existing. For women, sexual drives tend to vary according to where you are in your menstrual cycle and being aware of that might help you identify times that you will be more excitable than others. You may also find that you are more excitable at certain times of the day (or night). Discharging extra energy through exercising, or restricting the energy that can be put towards sexual urges by fasting can sometimes be helpful.
The environment we live in is also built to excite. So some of the ways that you can manage your sexual drive is to reduce your consumption of anything that encourages it – so if hanging out in the strength training section of the gym encourages your drive, then perhaps joining an all-women’s gym is better for you. I say this because our brains use connections to make sense of information and the more you use the connections the stronger they are. So the more you consume things that encourage your drive, the more likely that you’ll find yourself increasingly excited and with no “out”.
Masturbation is addressed here (http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=213&CATE=13) from a fiqh perspective.
Pornography and a description of repentance is talked about in this post (http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=7&ID=15324&CATE=1431)
I want to take both of these issues out of a fiqh debate for a second and pose this question – if someone gets used to satisfying themselves through masturbation or pornography, what impact might it have on their ability to have a healthy sexual relationship with a future spouse? Thinking and learning about that aspect of the issue might strengthen your resolve.
One place to learn about pornography addiction (which is not where you are at, but where this road could lead) is at http://purifyyourgaze.com/
Now here comes the most important (in my opinion) domain – Spiritual
Allah (swt) is the source – which means that all challenges, all blessings are allowed into our lives by Allah (swt). Usually situations are both, a challenge and a blessing. So, the first question you might want to ask yourself is what is the benefit for me being in this situation? Perhaps there is a lesson here somewhere that will make you a stronger person and more well-prepared to handle some challenge you will face later in your life.
Some things in your post made me wonder if you are being asked to stretch in the area of patience. You mention graduation is a year away – which is not that far away, especially considering finding and considering someone for the purpose of marriage might take some time. You also mention that you “don’t have the patience to fast”. Are there other areas of your life that you “don’t have the patience” for? If yes, then I would suggest stepping back from the particular issue of sexual urges and learning more about how to cultivate patience.
You may also benefit from building up your ability to find a place of peace. This could mean a safe spot or activity where the urges are reduced so that you can relax and recharge. Sometimes this could be reading, doing some sort of activity that uses your hands (clay, knitting, etc) and requires some focus. It could also be meditation. This safe zone allows you to reconnect with Allah (swt), re-center, and quiet the pieces of yourself that are causing you anxiety.
Next, Allah (swt) gives us challenges that are within our capabilities (with or without some help from our support systems). So, what are your strengths? How can those be used to help yourself? Who are supportive people in your environment that you can go to?
Allah (swt) wants us to be people who encourage the constructive, and hold back the destructive. So if we are faced with a choice or a challenge, then there is a way to rise to the occasion and it’s up to us to dig deeply into ourselves and figure out how to do so.
One blessing in this situation is that it’s making you very conscious of Allah (swt). So the sincerity with which you feel conflicted is also a place from which you can make sincere du’a to Allah (swt) for guidance through the challenges you are facing. Continue to make du’a, and perhaps research things like salaat al-haajah (where you ask for what you need). Your belief in the power of Allah (swt) and your connection with Allah (swt) are powerful things.
The more you can work on yourself holistically, the more skilled you will be at identifying what is going on inside of yourself and managing your nafs (self). Those skills will be useful for your life in general in addition to being helpful right now with this particular challenge.
May Allah (swt) guide you to what is best for your situation and keep you close to Allah’s (swt) pleasure in this world and the next.
wa ‘alaykum salam
– Fatima FM
