Why can’t I just break out?
I have been dealing with depression and aniety my entire life. I started noticing signs of ocd when I was 8 years old but didnt realize what was wrong with me,and since I have parents who were too busy to pay attention I realized for myself why I had to repeat things over and over again…I used to self-harm for a cuople of years starting at age 16..I havent done it in a year and I am really proud of myself. Everytime I see my arm and notice that the scars have faded from the last time I saw them, it is the greatest feeling in the world. I honestly dont even know why I started cutting. Not to sound conceited, but I dont hate the way I look. Infact I have been told countless times that I am pretty or wahtever..and I believe it. I dont have a problem with the way I look, but for some reason my self-esteem is EXTREMELY low. So low that in highschool I used to feel sorry for kids that would talk to me because that would mean that they are talking to a loser and are losing the respect of the peers. I try to better my self-esteem but at the same time I tell myself that I dont deserve to be happy or to be loved or to have any type pf respect from anyone…I dont have any really close friends that I can talk to. I used to but now were not close, and its hard for me to understand how they can leave me hanging when they know all that I have been through. I am so very tired of life.
Anonymous
Assalamualaikium,
This is the sister that posted the reflection. I would just like to say JazakaAllah to all that have replied to my posting. Your words of advice are more than you can imagine to me. I dont really share my feelings with anyone and was feeling overwhelmed one day and decided to post on here. I feel humbled that by sharing my story others were willing enough to share theirs to help me,. I really appreciate the personal story that was shared in the second comment, not to undermine the rest but it means a lot that you felt so strongly as to share your own story. I am also very thankful to everyone else that commented. Reading your comments and realizing that it did take strength for me to stop cutting and to ackowlendge that I am worth it really helped me see that I have grown and am still capable of growth. I could not be more grateful to everyone who took the time out to post something in hopes of making me feel better, since I do not know any of you personally and viceversa, I think that is the most beautiful thing about this website. Also I just wanted to say a major thanks to all of you for saying youll make a dua to me. I cried when I read that, it is the nicest thing a person can do for someone. I am still struggling today, but I come back to this page and read the nice comments made by everyone and my struggle seems so much less. I have talked to a counselor in the past and also have been on medications on and off. I stopped talking to a counselor a while back, and also started and dropped my medication as well without a doctors consent. I have learned how harmful this can be to your body, so I intend on going back to the doctor this week i’A and getting medication again, in high hopes that it will help. thank you again to everyone . If I feel the need to talk to a therapist again I definitely will consult this page.
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaykum,
Thank you for sharing your intimate feelings. I see that you recognize so much of what certain behaviors are connected to and so, maybe some of what I’m about to say may not be so new to you. Sometimes anxiety shows up in OCD type behaviors you refer to and what we know about anxiety is that it can turn into more depressive symptoms like feelings of sadness, hopelessness and even feeling no self worth. I’m sorry that your parents were not able to help you get counseling and treatment for what you have been dealing with because we know that the treatment for these conditions is really effective.
Cutting is usually about trying to control emotional pain. Sometimes people who cut feel so overwhelmed with their feelings that they attempt to transfer the emotional feelings they have to physical injury. It’s good to hear that you have stopped and that you are “proud” of yourself. This suggests that you are coping with your feelings in other ways that are not as harmful to your body, inshallah. I believe that there are many good counselors who know how to help with the intense feelings that you describe and I would hope that because you show so much strength and resource that you may be in a good position to reach out – if your family is not able to intervene.
You have a full life ahead of you, inshallah, and suffering in this way is taking away from you fully embracing your life and really being the person you are. Anxiety and depression take away so much of who we are and once these conditions are treated, life can be more rich and fulfilling. If you would like help connecting to resources/counselors in your city, pls let us know and we would be happy to connect you.
-Sr. Fatima MBA
If you would like NYF to connect you with a counselor in your area, or simply want someone to talk to, please email us your city, state and contact information at info@nuryouthforum.org.
Anonymous
Dear sister or brother,
Know that you are not alone in this struggle. Many people go through such hard difficulties (as yourself), and I find these people to be the most beautiful. Because it is through struggle we really learn to become better people.
You are not a loser. The fact that you haven’t cut yourself in a year, and you are PROUD of it is such an amazing thing. You not only recognized that you were hurting yourself, but you made an active effort to prevent yourself from doing it again. This to me shows that deep down you DO believe that you should be respected, loved, honored, and cared for. Sometimes it’s so hard to believe that because the negativity around us and within us constantly brings us down. Perhaps there are different circumstances in your life right now that constantly put you in a battlefield – between trying to determine whether you truly deserve to be happy and loved or not.
I am sharing my own story with you with the hopes that it will help you.
I have struggled with self-esteem all of my life. And I know for sure that so many things around me would constantly bring me down. If I woke up one day and decided to make the best of the day, it was nearly impossible to get through the day without a comment/remark from my parents, friends, siblings that hurt my feelings and made me constantly feel like I was unworthy of love, unworthy of respect. It was like having someone kick an open wound over and over again. It was so hard to pick myself up.
Only about a year and half ago, I decided I needed to help myself because no one else was going to help me. I went to the mental health center at my university. It took me a long time to make the appointment because I was so ashamed of needing help in this part of my life. But I knew the only way I could get better was if I got professional help. Talking to a friend didn’t help because venting didn’t move me forward. I wanted SO BADLY to move forward, to get out of this rut in my life. I met with a psychiatrist, then didn’t go after my second appointment because I didn’t like her.
Then maybe 6 months later, I tried again and finally found a therapist that was helpful. I saw her for maybe 6 months. She really helped me realize how much I actually struggle with on a daily basis, and how valuable it is. She helped me understand that my struggle wasn’t something to brush off, that it was something to be proud of. The fact that I was taking steps forward was a HUGE deal. And it was. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never learned how to appreciate everything wonderful about myself. Because you know what? Regardless of what others say, regardless of how many flaws I might have, regardless of what I may tell myself about how unworthy I am at my lowest times…I am worthy. I deserve to be loved, and most importantly I deserve to LOVE MYSELF. I learned through the past 1.5 years that if I don’t love myself, no one will.
I really learned to focus on myself, to constantly remind myself of all the amazing things about myself. And I learned different mechanisms to use when I was in a situation that I knew would make me feel low. Another thing I learned was that negative people are really toxic to my wellbeing. They sucked the energy out of and left me incapable of doing anything. It seems like that your “friends” have already done this for you. I know it’s really hard to be in a situation where you feel absolutely alone, but try to remind yourself that if they weren’t around to help you through this then they weren’t worthy of your love and company anyways.
I still struggle with low self-esteem even today. But I try my best to take it one day at a time, and what helps me the most when I feel really down is talking to Allah. I tell Him how I feel, I ask Him for patiences, I ask for His Forgiveness. I ask Him to help me love myself, I ask Him to help me appreciate myself, because He Created me. And all people are worthy of His Love, and I know that the only way I can feel Allah’s Love for me is by loving myself.
I hope this helps. My advice would be to take that first step. Make a call and get professional help. They will help you move forward, inshaAllah. You are in my duas and I wish you only the utmost love and appreciation for yourself moving forward, inshaAllah. May Allah make this tribulation easy for you, may He open your heart and allow you to see all your wonderful qualities. Ameen!
With duas and lots of positive energy,
Your sister in Islam
p.s. I know I say all these things in (somewhat) hindsight so please don’t think I am undermining your struggle. I know how difficult it is, but there is hope at the end of the tunnel. You will get through this, inshaAllah. Don’t ever give up on yourself. You are worth it!!
sq
To me, your post demonstrates incredible strength and strength demands respect. Not only does it take strength to share your story, but to overcome your past with cutting on your own is amazing.
I agree with the other comments – I think seeing a counselor would be really helpful. Sometimes it just helps to talk it out with someone and get a fresh perspective.
I also understand your frustrations with your friendships. However it sounds like these people are not worth it. You deserve better, and even if you do not believe that quite yet, yo truly do!
You are in my duas and I know that inshaAllah one day you’ll see yourself for the strong person that you are!
NYF Administrator
You sound like a very resourceful young person who has found a way to make sense of what is happening inside of yourself and who is using your many strengths to figure out how to grow and be healthy. The fact that you were able to stop yourself from cutting and use the fading scars as a reminder of your strength is amazing. You are definitely not a “loser”. It sounds like all of your behaviors are a way to deal with one simple fact – you are not sure that you matter and that brings up a lot of feelings that are hard to deal with. I would highly recommend that you talk to a counselor because even though you are already on your way to a healthier you, the future holds a lot of stress (graduation, college, jobs and maybe even marriage!!). Stress can trigger all the feelings that you are describing and a counselor will help you figure out how to stay strong. He/she will also be able to help you get even more able to handle the challenges you face and deal with the feelings that are under all the behaviors you are working on managing. It’s VERY tiring to have so many feelings and not know how to make sense of them. So I can understand why you say that you are tired of life. Hopefully reaching out here is a first step in finding help so that life isn’t so heavy anymore.
– Fatima FM
If you would like NYF to connect you with a counselor in your area, or simply want someone to talk to, please email us your city, state and contact information at info@nuryouthforum.org.
HA18
You are not a loser. I believe that you deserve happiness just like everyone else. Perfection does not exist in anyone and sometimes it’s hard for us to accept it doesn’t exist in ourselves (it’s hard for me, for sure)
When you’re tired it’s hard to be able to make and keep friends. I think it’s time for you to take care of yourself. Talking to a professional can help you show ways to get there. Are there any free counseling resources that you can take advantage of? Don’t be afraid to try it!
Then, when you feel like you are in a place where you have more energy and are more under control, you will find that even better friends will appear in your life.
I am keeping you in my duas! Wishing you the best. You are clearly a very strong person and will get through this.