How To Let Go…

Dear Fatima,

I am a 20-something mother of a 2 month old…

My issue is that I can’t let go of the past… The thing is when my son was just two weeks old… My mother was visiting me after 3 years- for the first time- to help take care of me and my baby… However my husband came under his mother and sisters influence plus his own stupidity and immaturity disrespected my mother for no apparent reason…

She was s guest and leaving soon… My mother left with my cousin in the middle of the night so she could be at peace…without them attacking her…

Even though a day later my husband and his mother went with me to my cousin house and brought my mom back… and apologized … but nothing from the heart… I know them too well…

My mother left 3 days later… leaving me with a 2 week old… I was extremely weak… depressed… barely ate… as I was still recovering from a 2 day labour….

Those people attacked me and my mother at my weakest…

The next two months … I was miserable…and I made my husbands life miserable… we constantly fought…

My mother in law and sisters in law got what they wanted… I made sure my baby didn’t come close to them…

I have started to hate all of them…

I decided to come home to my mother for a break… It’s been 2 weeks that I am here… I constantly think that one day I have to go back to them … I have to go back to him…and I don’t want to…

He promised that he will fly out to my mothers… and we will all sit together and talk things out… But now he claims he’s busy and can’t come…

My parents tell me to forget what happened and move on for the sake of my child…

But I can’t … I can’t be normal until my broken heart has healed somehow…

What should I do… so I am not this bitter….I want to help myself for the sake of my child…

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Dear Mother of a 2 month old,

Assalamu ‘alaykum.

 

It is clear that you are very hurt by your in-laws, and even more hurt by your husband’s behavior.  I can feel your sadness in your words, and it sounds like you felt very alone during this important transition time in your life.

 

Yes, this is a time that you – and your marriage – is at a very vulnerable point.

When a child joins the family, many things start adjusting.  Identities start changing, and your marriage begins to transform.  Things that were always challenging in your marriage become magnified because of the stress, lack of sleep, and changes that you are both experiencing.  As a new mom, your hormones are readjusting and it’s not uncommon for moms to experiences postpartum depression and for a new mom to experience the world more intensely than she would otherwise.  Extended families start asserting themselves as the new grandparents, aunts, and uncles want to spend more time with the little one, and inevitably start stepping on each others’ toes.

 

I am not sure how much of this is true for you in particular.

 

However, I would encourage you to reflect a bit about the current conflict.  Are these issues related to issues that have come up before? If so, what’s worked in the past to help you overcome them?  Or are these things that are bothering you now but never bothered you before?  If this is the case, where do you think they are coming from?

 

I would also encourage both of you to step back from the conflict a bit. Perhaps wait to discuss everything until you’ve gotten past the six month mark.  At that time the baby will be sleeping longer stretches, breastfeeding will likely be in a manageable rhythm, the excitement coming from both sides of the families will begin to calm down a bit.  You’ll have a much better chance of working things out when you are both in a clearer head and heart space.  Also, setting a time frame (even if it’s just something you’ve set for yourself) will help you know that there is going to be a time and a place where you are going to be able to discuss the things that are challenging; knowing that might help you have more patience in the short term.  In the meantime, try to have rahmah (mercy) with each other.  Let that drive your decision of whether you choose to go back on your own, or if he chooses to come to you – rahmah coming from your love of Allah.

 

When you get to that conversation, make sure to set some ground rules together – such as using “I feel” statements, no name calling, etc.  Also, perhaps you can consider taking the approach: “how do we keep the stress we are feeling from making us turn on each other?” rather than having the conversation put more distance between your hearts.  If it’s too much to discuss on your own, perhaps a counselor or mediator would help keep the conversation on track.  [If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@stonestobridges.org].

 

(Note: I say all of this with the assumption that you are not in a relationship that has ongoing abuse or violence.)

 

I hope this gives you some place to start thinking. 

Please feel free to post again.

 

wa ‘alaykum salam