With constant disappointment, I don’t know where to turn anymore.
Dear Fatima,
I found myself writing to you after scrolling through my facebook list, and my phonebook feeling as if I have no one to reach out to about my problems. This is just a desperate plea because I really don’t know who to turn to.
When I was a child, I was sexually abused by an immediate family member. The abuse started at 4 or 5 years old and continued until I was 11 (from what I can remember). It’s hard to remember because I’ve worked so hard at mentally blocking the memories out.
I’m now a Muslim woman, practicing to my best ability, wearing hijab, but its so hard not to feel dirty. I feel dirty all the time. I’ve reached out to a local scholar through email and never got a response. I really felt as if that was my last hope, and now that it’s been over 6 months and I haven’t got a response– I’ve began to feel helpless. I’ve never received any professional help for what I went through, and I know that it affects me psychologically. Where I live, its difficult to see a psychologist without paying thousands of dollars, unless you want to wait months and months for an appointment. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel like this has made me lose all motivation in life, I just feel alone, frustrated, although I have friends, I am starting to question if I suffer from depression. I want to pray, but its so bad that I find it physically difficult to be able to even stand up. The pain that this has left in me has me scarred in ways that I feel like I’m constantly sinking inside.
I don’t know what else to say. Please help.
Sincerely,
a sister who needs help.
Dear sister in need of help,Assalamu ‘alaykum
I am very sorry to hear that you had such a difficult experience and that it happened at such a young age.Nobody has the right to purposely cause another person harm – especially a child.Finding someone to talk to about this kind of experience is difficult because the very nature of childhood sexual abuse is its secrecy and the victim gets trained to keep that secret. The fact that you are reaching out is the first step being able to get help that will insha’Allah help you get to a better place emotionally and in the way you can approach your life.Many sexual abuse survivors talk about feeling dirty inside and that feeling affects all parts of their lives. They often also report that they block out memories of the experience as a way of coping. Counseling will often bring up feelings that are quite difficult. So if you do find a way to get counseling, know that it will likely feel worse before it starts feeling better. Since this was an experience you had at such a young age, your views of relationships have probably been shaped by it so as you get closer to considering being married, the feelings you are having may get more intense.A few things to consider as you decide how to move forward:
- Be safe – if the person that abused you is still in your life, make sure that you are safe from them. If they have access to other children and you feel strong enough to do it, you may want to consider calling Child Protective Services to tell them your concern about their access to children. You can report the person anonymously and they will do an investigation to make sure that no other children are being abused.
- Finding a safe space to get support – many counties have an office that specializes in domestic and sexual violence. These counties offer support groups and sometimes hotlines where you could find out more information about how to get services or talk to someone when the feelings are especially intense. Some of the services will be on a sliding scale or offered for free.
- Building up your strengths – Each person has strengths and things that make them feel stronger or nurtured. Some of these things may be praying, music, exercise, drawing, sculpting, knitting, etc. These activities are going to help you cope with the road ahead because they relax you, make you feel more whole. Finding these types of activities and making time each week to spend doing them will help with reducing the feelings of being stuck or overwhelmed, and increasing the positive feelings in your life.
- Making space to work on how this has impacted your life – this means that you might need to slow down the other things in your life as you seek services. It’s okay. So what if some things (like school, marriage, work, etc) take a little longer than you planned, if it means that you spent that extra time to invest in your own mental and emotional health? You are worth it.
- Know you are not alone – Unfortunately, your experience is not unheard of even though how it impacted you is unique to your life. So there are plenty of other people who have walked the road you are on (yes, even in the Muslim community) and have made it to a place where the abuse is no longer in charge of how they feel about themselves and about life. Religious and spiritual people have an additional advantage that they can use prayer and meditation as an additional way to support their growth. By definition, God the All-Knowing knows exactly how you feel and what happened. You might struggle with that and have to work through how you feel about that, but it also means that you don’t have to explain to God how you feel, you can just ask the All-Powerful for help, for guidance, and for a way to make it the right services to you. There is also a lot of research on how meditative practices can help with trauma.
I hope this gives you a place to start.Please post again if you have more to say. Or, if you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including county, city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org.wa ‘alaykum salam
– Fatima FM
acharan
http://www.upworthy.com/a-few-weeks-before-she-was-crowned-miss-world-she-was-raped-but-this-isnt-just-her-story-2
(click on the link to hear an inspiring story)
NI
Some of the feelings I am getting from your post is feelings of guilt, therefore I just want to start off by saying THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You were a child and adults are meant to keep children safe, and your perpetrator was not keeping you safe; instead that person was taking advantage. I think your healing begins with shedding these feelings of guilt. Which is an emotional journey and can take a long time, but you are off to a good start by reaching out. An ideal situation would be able to process your feelings in a therapeutic setting, i.e. counseling, or group therapy. I would sign up for an appointment even though it may take months and months. In the mean time I would journal, pray/ meditate, draw. (The post by Fatima FM list some great ways to begin healing.) Do these things to own your past, find your inner power and to forgive (forgive yourself and the person who were abused by).
Anonymous
Salaams Sister,
I think it is very brave of you to reach out and describe what you have gone thru. I know this because I can relate. I was sexually molested for about 5 years and this also started at an early age of 5-6. I was molested by my Father’s brother. What is worse is that even after it stopped, I had to continue to live in the same house as him and I still have to see him every so often. I often thought I was alone and never told anyone, and then in college I attended an event where a lot of other people who had been abused came up to a stage and spoke about it. That was the first time (I was 20), that I realized I was not alone – we are not alone. These thoughts and feelings you have – I have them as well. I have blocked out the horrible memories and hate to think about it – I often think of myself as used and not worthy. I am still not married and I sometimes feel I don’t want to be married as I do not deserve to be with a man. I sometimes use what has happen to me as an excuse not to move on in life – but I have told myself time and again, I cannot do this – we cannot let this event take away our right of living a good life. I always feel sad sometimes – I question Allah swt – where were you God, where were you when I was getting abused, I was a little child, helpless and didn’t know – but I remind myself that God was present, God did acknowledge and God has been beside my side helping me thru this ordeal. I have often thought about speaking to someone about this – but what really helped was going to events where people talk about what they went thru, and sometimes you realize some girls went thru worse. I remember I heard this one story of a girl who was raped and her rapist used a knife and injured her in many ways – I read of young babies being raped – I have often wanted to do more and often feel more needs to be done, I know many cultures where this is not spoken about and just because we are muslims – many think this does not go on in a muslim household. The statistic is that 1 out of 4 girls has been abused. Often I get into an elevator and I look at the 4-5 woman in the elevator and I realize I am that 1 in 4. This needs to be spoken about more – it needs to be brought up in Mosques and people need to realize that there are a lot of us young girls/woman who deal with this.
All I can tell you sister is that you are not alone. All that you have decribed, I feel the same and sometimes just knowing that you are not alone and what you are feeling is something I feel everyday – I sometimes use this as a reason not to pray – but at the end, its only my faith and God that has gotten me thru the darkest of times – we must be strong and I always feel, I want to create the best life and do as much to show that this will not defeat me – by a coward of a man abusing me – he only makes me want to beat all the odds and just reach for the stars –
yes sister, some days will be hard, but we must not give up – we must continue to strive and survive and inshallah we will one day look back and realize – what did not kill us, only made us strong.
If you do not feel comfortable seeking professional help – I highly recommend going to one of these events, you can sit anonymously, and need not speak out, but hearing the stories will help you understand your thoughts and motivate you to use this to move ahead in life and what I always tell myself – I never want this to waste any more of my precious time – I want to live a full life and this will not limit me.
This is the event I went to:
http://www.takebackthenight.org/
Good luck Sister, you are not alone. Be strong and Allah swt is always by your side.
SA
AS sister … First let me start by saying .. We all feel like we have no one. I do the same thing as you do .. Scroll through my phone or my fb page thinking oh who can I talk to. If we’re both doing this , it has to be normal or at least not so out of the ordinary right? Anyways, I’m super glad you decided to write here because this is your first step in facing all of this. It took me over 10 years to finally get up and do something about all this , bc just as you feel I felt I couldn’t take it anymore. Trust me when I say I feel what you feel. Feeling dirty? oh yeah. All the time. Trust me. Whether I’m at home or out or wearing covered clothing or not .. The feelin is there. I read once under things you do to cope with all this . And one of my coping methods when I feel sad or feel down is to shower. From what I read showering is a method of cleansing yourself. Try that? It could help. Also they say cold showers are the best as It relieves stress. But any how, that feeling of being dirty, yep I feel it too.
I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to say by writing n all this, but I get where you’re coming from. Really. Like you said , I have a lot of friends too and they are always asking to hang out etc but I never feel the urge to go out or hang out with anyone. N about depression .. I am actually on medication for that as well. Though I personally don’t feel that it’s doing anything for me. Though I do feel it’s the one thing that’s keeping me from killing myself. Or I don’t know. But anyways I totally understand. I go to therapy once a week and I would highly recommend it. I know you mentioned that it is very expensive and I completely agree. Paying just my co pay once a week is getting quite costly for me as well. But I do know there are random group sessions etc offered my communities that you might want to look into. Honestly going to my group therapy was a great choice. I’ve met a few girls who have gone through similar situations as me and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. In the past couple of weeks we’ve grown to somewhat love eachother and just havin their support means a lot. It feels good knowing that I’m not the only crazy one out there. I would highly recommend it. The thigs the teacher talks about are tough and at times difficult to handle but I feel ultimately it will be worth it. I want to be able to live a happy n a healthy life one day and to be able to have my own family etc. , and I know that without healing myself that will not be possible. Whih is why I took the step to take these classes etc. it’s tough. Memories are brought up things u don’t want to face are brought up .. But at the same time it’s helpful. It’s hard to explain. Anyways I guess none of this really said what to do but I just hope you got a better understanding. Know that you’re not alone and there are plenty of us out there.
SA
Dear sister, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. It is absolutely terrible for anyone to have to suffer such a horrific event, and for so long.
First, I’d like to thank you for reaching out for help. All too often people don’t speak up and try and self medicate these problems. So thank you for reaching out to us. We would love to help you get assistance in your area to ensure you are getting consistent help.
In most instances, people who have suffered from abuse never discussed the abuse with others while it was occurring.
It is important to speak with someone, whether it be a friend or counselor, about the abuse and past and current feelings.
As an adult dealing with the effects of childhood sexual abuse, please remember that you are not responsible for the abuse and that you are not alone. You can overcome the effects the abuse may have on your life.
Somethings that may help you: Write Your Thoughts and Feelings Down -Carry a journal with you everywhere you go and when you feel a need to write your feelings down, please do so. Within the pages of your journal, you can be as honest as you wish without fear.
Learn How to Take Care of Yourself – This is important. As you go through your healing process, be sure to add self-care to your list of items to teach yourself and learn from others. As you learn how to do that more, you will feel good about yourself and heal more and more each day.
InshaAllah with the help we can set you up with and duas, you will be able to move on.
Please feel free to contact us to get you help in your area or call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE).
May Allah give you strength.
Fatima SD
Anonymous
Dear Sister –
1. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty/dirty/unclean about. Nothing in the least. The individual who violated your rights bears the full brunt of responsibility and accountability.
2. Every person is given a different trial, a different challenge. Some are worse than others. There’s no sugar coating that your trial is difficult, extremely difficult, and not easily overcome. Anyone who says “it’s not that bad” is not someone you should worry about seeking their opinion. This is difficult and you are a strong woman to speak out about it.
3. You have a network of loving people who support you–some are complete strangers. But we support you because we care about you as a human being. Let your experience but a shield to others who are at risk or who are suffering through a similar trial. Let your wisdom, your courage, your compassion be their strength, and they in turn will be your strength.
4. Do not be ashamed or afraid of hiring professional counselors. These individuals are trained in emotional and trauma rehabilitation. They can guide you to becoming more at peace with this struggle.
5. Know we are praying for you with full conviction that Allah is the best of Healers.
Allah be with you.
Sincerely,
RUNMAD
as786
Salaam dear sister in need of help,
I am so sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult experience and especially at such a young age. Sexual abuse is already so painful and difficult to overcome, but experiencing it repeatedly and at such a young age only makes it harder. That said, I truly commend your strength and courage in seeking help– when you have gone through something like this, it’s so easy to just bury yourself and to want to hide from the world, but you took the step of reaching out not only to NYF but also to your local Imam. I am sure this is a huge first step to getting the help that will be able to help you emotionally recover.
This pain you are feeling, even if it is physical pain, is most likely linked to your emotional distress. Oftentimes our emotional upheaval manifests itself in physical pain. SubhanAllah the body and mind are so complex and connected this way. Don’t worry if you can’t get up to pray– anything you are doing by reaching out to God is already doing wonders; after all, you are finding help, and this is not only a sign of your great inner strength, but it is also a beautiful gift from Him, so don’t turn away. Just do what you can to keep that connection open because Allah will respond to you, as He has promised: “And when My servants ask you concerning Me, indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me…” (2:186).
Allah has also promised us that He will not give us more than we are able to bear. So although right now this feels like the heaviest weight upon you, we are all praying that you will overcome this because you are able to. This is not to at all diminish the immense pain and distress that you are experiencing right now– those are real and they do feel so crushing. But it is to say that insha’Allah there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you are insha’Allah already getting closer to it by taking this step.
As Fatima FM explained, once you do find the right counselor or person to speak to, it may be more difficult before it gets better. You will have to allow many memories that you have tried to block out all of these years to flood back, and dealing with the emotions and the helplessness you may have experienced will feel overwhelming at times. But the counselor will then help you work through them and help you realize how empowered you truly are now in this situation. You really do have the ability to take your life back from this; your strength is great enough to help you overcome all that you endured so that you can build a full and fulfilling life for yourself going forward. This won’t happen overnight, but with time insha’Allah you will slowly work through these emotions so that you can find yourself again– the self that is struggling to come out but cannot find the motivation because it is so burdened by this pain. As Fatima FM also mentioned, your views of relationships have also probably been shaped by this experience, so this is definitely something to address in your work with a counselor or support group/hotline, especially as you start to consider marriage. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, dear sister, and we hope you will continue to reach out for support. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I am praying that Allah continues to give you strength and courage and that He gives you peace and healing…
One prayer that I love and may also resonate with you is:
“God does not burden any soul with more than it is able to bear. Each soul gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray): ‘Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Absolve our wrongdoings, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith” (2:286).
Also, here is a beautiful supplication in seeking our needs from God, when sometimes we can’t find the words ourselves:
O God,
O ultimate object of needs!
O He through whom requests
are attained!
…
O He from whom the needs of the needy
are never cut off!
O He who is not distressed by the supplications of the supplicators!
Thou hast lauded Thyself for having no need for Thy creatures, and it suits Thee to have no need for them,
and Thou hast attributed to them poverty, and it suits them to be poor toward Thee.
…
O God,
I have a need of Thee:
My exertion has fallen short of it and my stratagems have been cut back before reaching it.
My soul induced me to present it to him who presents his needs to Thee and can do nothing without Thee in his requests, but this is one of the slips of the offenders, one of the stumbles of the sinners!
Then through Thy reminding me,
I was aroused from my heedlessness, through Thy giving success, I stood up from my slip, and through Thy pointing the way, I returned and withdrew from my stumble.
I said:
Glory to my Lord!
How can the needy ask from the needy?
How can the destitute beseech the destitute?
So I went straight to Thee, my God, in beseeching, and I sent Thee my hope with trust in Thee.
I came to know that
the many I request from Thee are few before Thy wealth,
the weighty I ask from Thee is vile before Thy plenty;
Thy generosity is not constrained by anyone’s asking,
Thy hand is higher in bestowing gifts than every hand!
….
O God,
bless Muhammad and his Household,
respond to my supplication,
come near my call,
have mercy on my pleading,
listen to my voice,
cut not short my hope for Thee,
sever not my thread to Thee,
turn not my face in this my need,
and other needs,
away from Thee,
attend for my sake to
the fulfillment of my request,
the granting of my need,
and the attainment of what I have asked
before I leave this place
through Thy making easy for me the difficult and Thy excellent ordainment for me in all affairs!
Bless Muhammad and his Household with a permanent, ever-growing blessing, whose perpetuity has no cutting off
and whose term knows no limit, and make that a help to me and a cause for the granting of my request!
Thou art Boundless, Generous!
And of my needs, My Lord, are such and such. [state your needs]
Thy bounty has comforted me
and Thy beneficence has shown the way,
So I ask Thee by Thee
and by Muhammad and his Household
(Thy blessings be upon them)
that Thou sendest me not back in disappointment!
http://duas.org/sajjadiya/s13.htm
Anonymous
Dear Sister who needs help,
I would like to commend you on the amount of courage I’m sure it took for you to post about your experience and ask for help. I believe this step you took will inshallah get you much closer to feeling better and moving forward. I can assure you that you are not sinking, in fact you are rising to become a better person. Dealing with your situation is not easy, but the truth is you are. The fact, that you wear hijab and try to pray is progress that should not be overlooked. If you keep asking Allah for help and make a conscious progress towards it, you will be feeling like yourself sooner than you think. The feeling of being “dirty” will soon leave you and you will be able to move forward in every aspect of your life.
I admire your efforts in reaching out to your local scholar, even though many times they may not be helpful. I have to mention the point Fatimah FM made, because your not alone, there are many different services that are provided from local government to help people cope with their experiences. Sometimes you can find sisters who attend your masjid that are professional counselors who may be able to help you also. Please continue with this first step that you have taken and inshallah you will be able to accomplish anything you wish in life.
Anonymous
Dear Sister,
I’m very sorry to hear about the awful hardships you are going through.
Not having gone through such a thing myself it may be easy for me to say this, but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of what happened to you since it was no fault of your own. The Qur’an states, “That no soul shall bear the burden of another” [53:38], so the sins of the person who did this to you will never to be placed upon you as the victim.
What you are going through may seem overwhelming and lonely, but as it also says in the Qur’an, “No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear” [2:233]. We are each tested with different forms of hardship in life. The best thing to do is rely on God to help you through this difficult time and pray even if you have do so sitting or lying down.
I would also really recommend that you seek the assistance of the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). They have a hotline number 1.800.656.HOPE and a website http://centers.rainn.org where you can search for a crisis center near you. These are professionals who are there to help people like yourself.
InshAllah, you will get through this and end up being a stronger person!
Regards,
Your Concerned Brother
Anonymous
May Allah give you the strength to overcome your difficulties and bless you abundantly for bearing with patience …..amin
Anonymous
Asallamu Alaikum Sister.
I pray that this reaches you in the best stars of imaan and health, insha’Allah.. Because even if you are feeling that this is a seriously low point in your life, never forget that Allah knows YOU. He will only ever test you with the trails and tribulations that He knows you can overcome. So have faith. No one deserves to go through what you are going through. Hearing your story makes my heart ache in sync with your pain but my dear sister, you are not alone. That much, I can promise you. There is an entire world out there that will welcome you with open arms. Your experiences are nothing that I could ever compare with and I pray to Allah that He gives you the strength to continue fighting like you have. You are one truly brave woman for reaching out for help and though what I say may only seem like words, I do mean it from one sister to another. You are not alone and you are worth it. We are all here for you! Allah knows your heart and intentions better than yourself. Let go of any feelings of animosity or guilt or disgust you may have against yourself because it is not fair upon yourself to burden your heart and mind with these. Seek help from Allah and He will help you. The one personal duah that I make after every prayer is is: “Ya Allah, you are the only one who can give help. No one can help me but you so please, help me. Help me.”
Yes, I’m fully submitting to Allah, but that is what he is there for. Wen you come walking to him, he will come running to you! And my dearest sister in Islam, you are worth so much more than to have one horrifying life experience bring you down and shape your future. I truly pray for your heal, happiness, love and success, insha’Allah. If you need to talk, please drop me an email anytime, iA at fzahra1120@gmail.com.
Love and duahs to you, always.