Confused
Hello All,
I really needed to vent so here it is. I’m 18 and a hijabi, and while some Muslims my age date, I have always had a firm stance to not partake in it. However, now that I’m in college it has become increasingly difficult. Who doesn’t love attention? And constantly being complimented? And honestly, intimate companionship? Let me give this personal example. There’s this muslim guy that “hit me up”. And because I don’t date he was automatically put in the friend zone. (I don’t think he knew that at the time) But after his flirting and my ignoring he finally realized I wasn’t budging. So now we’re just friends. Exactly what I wanted right? So please explain to me when my friend told me he was flirting with her I got jealous? I seriously got jealous. And its not because I find him soo attractive it’s because maybe if I let my bangs show like she does and wear the clothing she does he’d probably still be trying to get with me. I know I am beautiful and everyone is, and I’m sure with the right clothing and make-up I could have that attention I desire so badly. But every. single. time. I think about going to school and taking my hijab off and buying a pair of jeans a size too small, something stops me. I just cannot bring my self to do it. And I don’t know why.
I’d love to say its because my fear of Allah, and deep down it maybe, but I can’t bring my self to say that. With all the prayers I miss, and all the trash that leaves my mouth. I can’t stand to be a hypocrite. Yes I am a hypocrite. And in some way you are too. I walk around with this hijab on my head, and people (Especially other Muslims) just assume I’m some sort of saint. And the guilt eats me up, but as guilty I feel, it never seems to change me for good. I have these *deen rushes* where I go 3 months with praying on time, reading Qur’aan, avoiding gossip. And just like that I’ll go three months not praying a single prayer. What in God’s name is wrong with me? Am I lazy? Do I really care? I don’t know, maybe you do. And every time I think about my non existent guy trouble, I think “maybe I wouldn’t have these problems if i prayed.”
I don’t have an answer for the praying problem, but I did realize something about my guy trouble. When I don’t put myself out there, people have respect for me. They respect my intelligence, and don’t judge me on my appearance. When I don’t date, I like to think Allah SWT is saving someone really good for me, someone who believes in having a halal relationship just as I do. And sometimes it can seem so far away, and not worth the wait, but it is. And as some famous person once said “In the end everything will be alright, and if its not alright, it is not yet the end.” I hope some of you can relate to my post, and share insightful comments! I love you.
Anonymous
It sounds like you’re going through a lot of issues, but take solace in knowing that you’re not the only one… Trust me, I’ve been exactly where you are and I am sure practically everyone else has as well. First, I need to commend you on recognizing that you even have an issue. Honestly, half the battle is recognizing that you have an issue becuase now that you have you can actually start doing something about it. When it comes to the whole issue with guys, I get that it’s hard. Especially when you’re in college and let’s face it, things like marriage and dating become more of a reality then they ever were before. One thing that has always helped me is to think about what I would want from my future spouse and then trying to act in accordance with what I would hope I would one day get. For example, I hope that whoever I marry wouldn’t have any previous relationships (… obviously if the person has changed from that sort of behavior than that’s fine, but that’s another conversation and topic). Keeping in line with what I’d like, I try to place that same sort of guideline on myself. You’d be surprised by how much this sort of thinking keeps you from doing.
In terms of the prayer issue, one thing that’s helped me is to think of prayer as not only something that you do for Allah, but something that you do for your benefit. I think of all the goals and aspirations I have in life and I know in order to reach them I need Allah’s help. But why would He help me if I don’t even fulfill my obligation to him. I think prayer in general is something that A LOT of people struggle with. It’s definitely hard to keep up, but you just have to really try make it part of your daily routine. I know there are time that laziness gets the best of me, but then I ask myself, if something were to happen to me in this next second (crazy flash of lightening bolts me, lol dramatic I know…) then I would forever regret the 5 minutes I could have taken out to pray but didn’t becuase I was too busy watching Modern Family.
I hope this helps! I will be making dua for you. Hang in there and just remember that there’s a reason why you haven’t gone down that road yet. Even if you feel like a hypocrite, don’t worry yourself with people’s perception of you and just focus on trying to please Allah. The way I see it, Allah will reward you so much more for actually struggling for His sake and fighting to stay on His path. That’s how you know you truly love Him, when it’s a struggle but you see it through.
Anonymous
Listen girl i totally get wt your going through, i catch myself imagining pulling some random girls hair because she is talking to MY cute labpartner. Even though, he doesnt even know my last name…Anyway i believe/know being jealous is just part of a persons nafs (a persons wants, desires, and emotions). Allah has given us a nafs for a reason, and i kno you’ve heard it before, but yes! its to test you! lol. having these problems is normal its how you deal with it and handle it, that makes you who you are and a good muslim. You seem to be handling things quit well from my end.
And, the part where you are praying for a couple of months and then stop. is another test for you! but the fact that your praying is a good thing! just remember the more you spend time for allah the more allah spends time for you. which would probably help you with these boy problems, maybe get you better grades? and a true companion in the long run inshallah.
the way i think about it to help me in everything everyday is the big picture! and no im not talking about the after life, which is included to but im taking about right here, right now! i try to increase my good “karma” by praying reading qur’an fasting etc. etc. just to get a better grade on my test, make sure i dont get stuck on the side of the road, and everything you can think of. i kno it sounds weird, but when something bad happens to me i immediately know why, again i kno weird. but i believe everything in life is connected. some hopefully this motivates you to keep up with all of your prayers and stay away from those problematic boys ahahaha.
hope this helps! and you r definitely in my du’as! may allah always be with you, and increase your patience and iman, ameen.
Anonymous
Subhan’Allah, it takes strength to get yourself to type something like this, and even more strength to get it posted onto the web. I sympathize with your problem and have a lot of respect for you for taking the time to post this.
As a guy who is most likely guilty of giving girls attention and making them jealous, I want to let you know, pleeeaaase forgive us for our stupidity! This goes ESPECIALLY for underclassmen gents (not all, but some). A lot of the time, us guys simply don’t know what we’re doing, or what our actions may end up doing. While I can’t speak for the guy who was trying to holler, I can say that many guys, myself included, are completely oblivious to the feelings of our sisters.
Remember that you need to be strong. “Verily with hardship comes ease.” I’m sure you’ve heard that bounced around a few times. It’s true. Allah (swt) didn’t tell us this without reason. It’s a reminder that even in the darkest of moments, there’s a light that shines soon after. Right now you’re facing a hardship and an internal conflict. Don’t give up on your principles! You’ve come this far and you’re still strong. Stick with it, and you’ll be stronger. You’re only 18. Life is only going to get crazier, and you’re in for a heck of a ride. Hang on to your values and you’ll come out fine. You’ll come to learn that we’re all sort of dumb when we’re young, and experience makes us all wiser. Just wait, it’ll come.
As for the prayer problem, I’ve been told that the golden solution is the Qur’an, and always has been. From my experiences, it also greatly helps to be around the right crowd: the ones that remind you of Allah (swt) or prayer just by looking at them. That’ll make your struggles much easier. I pray that Allah makes it easier on you.