Incompatible

Dear Fatima,

I am a single woman in her early twenties pursuing a graduate degree, and I am currently considering marriage with a man who I have known since college. He is a wonderful human being and I admire him greatly. We both have approached our parents and asked them to become involved in the planning. They have only met once but it seems that they like each other. I know it is recommended not to become emotionally attached and to develop feelings before marriage, but I find myself deeply in love with this man.
The thing that concerns me is the fact I don’t think we are completely compatible. I am a relatively liberal woman who wears hijab and prays regularly, but I believe in the ‘Career Woman”, which is why I am pursuing my graduate degree. On the other hand, he believes once a woman has children, staying at home with them should be her first priority. I secretly hope that once we are married, he will loosen up on this belief and allow me to have a career and raise children at the same time but all our conversations prove he won’t budge.
I read your response to the post “Marriage Issue” where you listed four categories of a happy marriage, and it shocked me because, if I was being honest with myself, I do not meet the first three categories with this man. We both have very different values and ideas about roles in a marriage. Our communication sometimes suffers because of the first two problems. The only good thing is that I find myself struggling to become a better Muslim because of his influence and support. However, I find myself becoming slightly resentful and hopeless because I seem to be in a constant struggle to please him (and sometimes failing). I consider him more ‘religious’ than myself, and I know its good to marry for religion. But sometimes I feel it would be better for me to marry someone who is compatible with my level of religion and life goals/aspirations- who wants to marry me for ME- than to marry someone who I need to be in a constant pursuit and struggle to attain a higher degree of religion that I sometimes feel I can’t achieve or don’t even want.
I realize if I marry him our marriage will be more difficult than it has to be based on this incompatibility, but I just can’t convince myself that there is someone better for me than him, and that he makes me better. Am I blinded by irrational love?

Sincerely,
Hopelessly Stuck.

Dear Hopelessly Stuck,

I’m really glad you asked your question, and it’s my hope that you are not in a truly hopeless situation.

Every couple has some level of incompatibility, and they have to figure out ways to manage that reality if they hope to stay together in a mutually beneficial way.  Yes, there are some types of incompatibility that makes the marriage either miserable or impossible, but many types don’t *have* to mean divorce.

I want to first say that it’s impossible to not develop any feelings for your fiancee before marriage because I believe there’s always some small spark that has to draw two people together and motivate you to challenge yourself to be better for and in the relationship.  In my eyes, it gets problematic when that spark has become a full-bodied flame that either (1) clouds your ability to decide if the person is truly good for your relationship with Allah (swt) and for your development as a person, or (2) it pushes you to cross boundaries that you would not cross with someone who wasn’t your spouse.

What you describe is a conflict of worldview, and a difference in “religiosity”, and that this impacts your ability to communicate well with one another.  I would recommend that if this conversation is too diffcult to have on your own, you should seek out premarital counseling with either a professional counselor or a centered, grounded individual who has the wisdom of years.

However, what I see is that the two of you need to discuss why you hold the opinions that you do about the two role of husband and wife.  How did you come to those opinions? Are they “every case” and “every time” positions? or are there situations in which you could see the others’ perspective on the issue?  Does it depend on the number of children a couple has, or their ages?  How would it make you feel if he insisted you stayed home?  How it make him feel if you insisted to be a career woman and a mom simultaneously?

Once you have that conversation you can get a better sense of what values this issue is speaking to in each of you and whether there’s enough room for both of those options to exist in your relationship.

The second issue that you seem to be struggling with and you may need to discuss with him, is your perception of your own religiosity. It appears you have goals for yourself, and you like being inspired by him, but that you also might be beating up on yourself when it appears that you can’t keep up with him.  I wonder what his perception is of this dynamic in your relationship?  Is he aware of it? Does he feel the same way? Can he nurture your wish to grow? Are there ways that you make him better that he can identify?

The reason I recommend having these conversations with a third party, and preferably one with counseling training, is that they can help you both work on your communication skills so you can have the tough conversations without them devolving into unproductive exchanges.

If the two of you can become a better team where you help each other get to the bottom of what is troubling each of you, and you can work together to make a plan of how to face those challenges together as a team, then you have a much better chance of being able to be successful.

However, if you find that these conversations lead you to the conclusion that the gap is too wide to overcome, hoping that getting married will solve the situation is likely not going to work.  Usually the opposite is true.  It’s hard when you come to that reality because it’s a situation where no matter how much you love someone, it can’t change them unless that is something they want to change in themselves… and sometimes by walking away, you give the person you love the best chance at getting what they need out of life.

Keep praying istikhaarah as you go through the process so that things you need to be aware of come forward.

I hope that helps you figure out which discussions you need to have.

I pray that Allah (swt) guides you to the best decision.

wa ‘alaykum salam

 –       Fatima FM