Emotional Intimacy and Singledom

I’m a single woman. 26 years old, fair skin, light brown eyes, beautiful black hair. And single. Yes, that’s the problem. I’ve always been a good student, graduating at the top of my class in high school and college. I thought life was just supposed to naturally happen to me, and that I would always get the best. I did get the best in a lot of things, but relationships are an area which aren’t too clear for me. I’m introverted, yet highly social, and I work for a fortune 500 company. I feel really lonely. I had this guy friend that I worked with closely at work, and soon thereafter, he got promoted. However, he’s always messaging me, emailing me, and swinging by my cube throughout the day, even messaging me as we leave work to walk out together. He says I’m his “Best work friend.” I thought it was platonic, but I wasn’t sure. He’s engaged, and frequently tells me about his girlfriend and the other women that he meets. However, I am afraid that we are crossing the lines, and are becoming a little too close. Even though he jokingly asks about things, I feel that emotional intimacy is something that is sacred, and I’ve put myself in a bad position by becoming close to this guy. We’re still really professional, and never have crossed the line or talked about anything too private, but I am wondering what I should do about this. I am a fairly religious individual, however, being single has definitely caused me to be attention seeking, especially from the opposite gender. This guy is great because I get his attention at work, but at the same time feel bad because I feel like I’m crossing the emotional intimacy line. I need that attention to be frank, and the attention from a woman is not the same of that of a man. I know this isn’t going to go anywhere out of the office.. but I feel like I’ve put myself in a bad position now developing a friendship with this guy who is engaged, and that I don’t even want a shot with. I am very attracted to this friend, but our value sets are really different. He’s an aggressive, type A, go-getter, super outgoing personality, not religious at all, and I’m the community service, helping, life is great personality. I’m soo confused about this situation and want feedback from anyone who is willing to give me some.

Dear Brown eyed and lonely,

From my experience, when there is a hole, we fill it with something.  It’s a natural pull, like gravity. It sounds like you are filling it with attention.

Yet, until you figure out what the hole is really about, it will probably still feel empty even if you fill it with attention. You have identified that this guy is “too close” but that you haven’t been “too friendly” – does that mean that maybe you are putting more into the relationship than you realize?  and how is that changing how you see yourself? your role in life? is it bringing you closer or farther to the ways you want to live your life?

I think you are really honest to say that life and relationships would come naturally into your life, and that you would always get the best.  That honesty will allow you to examine your assumptions.  I would encourage you to talk to others and see – did relationships come easily to all, most,
some, or few of the people in your age range?  What made those relationships last?  What things do they wish they had stayed away from?

I don’t know what you will find, but in the conversations I have had, life rarely comes easily.  When it does, it’s both a blessing and a challenge…
and when it doesn’t it’s both a blessing and a challenge.

In the conversations I’ve had, I’ve also noticed that when something you want isn’t coming your way, there’s usually something in there that’s a
lesson for us to learn from.  For me it was working on myself so that I became someone who could be a better wife than I would have been had I
gotten married earlier.  For others I’ve talked to, it was realizing that placing your self-esteem in the hands of people around you isn’t always the
best plan.  For you – it will be a conversation with yourself, to figure out what that hole is about. How did it get there? What can be done about
it?

There are so many people who are married and lonely… so the hole may not be about marriage.

Just thoughts for your contemplation; it’s your journey.

On the specific relationship – once you start feeling that the “too close” alarm bells are going off, it means that you are no longer “just friends” and that this person has entered your heart in a different way.  Considering that this guy is promised to another woman, what options do you have?  (1) To step back, (2) To let these feelings grow silently and then be heartbroken when he gets married, (3) to try to take the relationship to the next level and get shut down because he “didn’t mean to lead you on” (which again leads to heartbreak) or (4) to to try to take the relationship to the next level and breaking up an engagement or marriage in the process.  Personally, I would recommend that you think long and hard about the situation and how you would feel if your fiancee was socializing with someone and that girl had either developed feelings for him or was dancing on the edge of doing so.

It seems you have a lot of thinking to do…

 –       Fatima FM