Feeling Hopeless

Dear Fatima, Ramadan is here and I am trying to make the best of it insha’Allah. But I can’t help this feeling of hopelessness I have. Everybody is a sinner, but I feel like I am absolutely horrible. I used to be a good muslim girl, but I messed up recently. There are a lot of major sins I have managed to stay away from Alhamdulillah, but I have committed one. I let my desire overcome me in that instance. I think about it day and night and regret it immensely. None of my family members know about it. It has been a while now. I am slowly detoxing. I ask for Allah swt’s forgiveness as much as I can, and I know He is the Most Merciful. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m too much of a sinner to be forgiven. Why should Allah swt forgive someone like me? I mess up almost everyday and overall, I just feel like I am a bad person. Sometimes, I feel like getting married might help me feel a bit better because I can start over. The person I sinned with and I both had decided we must stay away from each other. He was a good person and tried hard to follow the deen and get closer to Allah swt, but he also stumbled. Now, he spends his days in masajid with good people working to better himself. We had decided that we must not talk or see each other anymore to please Allah swt and to purify ourselves. If Allah swt wills it, we can ask our parents to marry us to each other in the near future. If Allah swt blesses me with marriage to him or some other pious spouse ( if they don’t mind someone tainted, like me), we could start a new life where we work to make each other better. I can become a loving wife and mother. I can spend my days taking care of my family, worshipping Allah swt, and raising children who devote their lives to the deen insha’Allah. But because of family circumstances, my marriage is being put off for a year or two. In the mean time, I am trying to do good things and work towards being forgiven. I go to the masjid to learn and make lots of du’ah. Lately, I have also been trying to read the Quran in its entirety and understand it, but every time I attempt to, I stumble through the arabic. I get overwhelmed because it takes me an hour to read 2 pages with translation, which means it will take forever to actually finish! When I pray, I lose focus so easily and it makes me wonder if my prayer will even be accepted. I’m trying to follow the straight path, but I am not doing anything right. Masha’Allah, I have a friend whom I envy for her modesty and piety. She respects me and loves me, but she doesn’t know how much of a sinner I am. When I am with her, I want to be just like her. She inspires me to become a better muslimah, but I am so tainted that I feel like I will never ever even come close to that level. How do I stop feeling so hopeless? How do I stop feeling worthless?

Dear “Feeling Hopeless”

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

I’m sure as you are reading other people’s posts you’ve realized that you are not alone.  We all are very familiar with our own shortcomings and I think we all have said to ourselves at some point “If you only knew what I was struggling with!”

The fact that you are detoxing shows that you identified what you felt was “toxic” in your life and are working to slowly get it out of your self.  I’m glad you and the other person are on the same page about what is acceptable and you’ve made the decision to handle it the same way so that you prevent yourself from finding yourself in the same situation again.

All the efforts you describe speak to your sincerity, and it is sincerity that Allah (swt) asks from us.  He knows our limitations (better than we do!) and He knows when we are making excuses.  So He knows how hard it is for you to get through one page of Qur’an – and He knows that your determination to keep trying is a sign of your sincerity.  He is arRahman (The Merciful) and arRaheem (The Beneficient – which means the one who does good and causes good to be done).  So it’s because He is arRahman and arRaheem that He gives us forgiveness and helps us move forward in our path of growth and development.

It might be helpful for you to read the stories of the Prophets – those who were chosen by Allah (swt) to carry His message because they were determined to be worthy, and thos we respect so much for their character.  Their stories aren’t perfect, and they too felt discouraged.  Look at Surah Duha for example, and the verses in Surah Baqarah (2:186; 2:214; 2:257), that speak to this.

If you are still discouraged or worried after reading some of these stories, I’d suggest you find someone trusted who is familiar with Islamic sources that you can talk to about what you are feeling.   [If you would like us to refer you to someone, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].

– Fatima FM