A struggle for Faith

Since I was a child, I’ve always been one to ask questions. Now I think I might have asked too many.

When I was a young boy, I came across some anti-Islamic material. Needless to say, these things shocked me with their slander of our deen and our prophet (saws).

Since then, my life has been a struggle to hold on to my faith. Do not get me wrong. In my heart, I have felt the peace of salat, zikhr, of the recitation of the Qur’an many times. The issue is that for the past few years my heart has stiffened and I do not know why. There used to be a time when no matter what sins I was committing in my life, listening to the Qur’an would break all the barriers and make me weep. However, now after actually giving up most of the sins (dating, backbiting), I now find myself challenged with a stiff heart.

At the same time, I feel the doubt that I thought I shunned back in those days slowly creep into my heart. Lately, I have been scouring the internet for interfaith dialogue, often reading the anti-Islamic websites and then going back to the Qur’an. I believe that I shouldn’t be a Muslim just because it’s something I was raised as, but rather I should know in my heart, that this is the truth.

For the most part, I feel that Islam has so much beauty and guidance to it. When I feel doubt I try to break it down rationally. End of the day, I believe in God. And in one god. And from the three monotheistic religions, I know that Islam is the most reasonable, sensable one.

However, there are many attacks against Islam that cite our own hadiths and the Qur’an. These point out” moral faults” of the prophet muhammad (saws) and scientific/lunguistic inaccuracies/contradictions in the Qur’an. And when I look at the response from Muslim debators.. I find that there arguments are often weak and inconsistent.. which leads to my doubt because of the lack of answer..

To summarize, I sometimes feel that I am 90% muslim. That there is 10% of me that is filled with doubt. That perhaps sees these “moral faults, contradictions”.. and which I feel is holding me back from fully understanding my deen. How do I solve this? I apologize for the poor grammar, this was something that kept me all night long.

Dear “A struggle for faith”, Assalamu ‘alaykum,

What you express in your email captures what I’ve heard from many young people as they make the transition from “I’m Muslim because I was raised that way” to “Do I want to be Muslim?” and usually, eventually to “I am Muslim because I want to be.”  So you are definitely not alone.

At the same time, I hear your pain, and I know firsthand that being in the place where you have doubts is an uncomfortable one.

I will address a few points in your email here and hope that they point you in the direction of gaining more answers for yourself.

1) The challenge of a stiff heart – I’m sure that you’ve heard the hadith that imaan (faith) goes up and down.  So it is a challenge that we all face at points throughout our life.  The fact that you are troubled by your heart’s lack of response to certain things shows that you are using the natural “lows” to motivate yourself, that your heart hasn’t shut off completely because otherwise you wouldn’t care at all.  When I think of the highs and lows, I think of the highs as a sweetness that motivates me to get back to that place, and the lows as a bitterness that motivates me to get away from it.

2) The “beloved” internet – Be careful with internet sources.  There are many people out there who have scholarly critiques of Islam who have been responded to by scholars of Islam.  Yet, most of the really great writings are offline and some of the best ones are in Arabic.  The difficulty with authenticating sources on the internet and the lack of really great scholars who have a computer presence means that you are exactly right – the discussions online are heartbreaking, and not well responded to by Muslims.  I would encourage you to take your questions and study with scholars things like “balaaghah” which is the science of examining the literary and linguistic aspects of the Qur’an, and things like seerah and hadith sciences — all of which will require that you study Arabic deeply.  If I may be so bold, if you take your questions and really seek the answers, you might soon find yourself on track to be a scholar… and looking back it will be because you used the bitterness of the stiff heart to motivate you.

3) The 90% and the 10% – until you do the studies above, take comfort in your 90% and ask Allah (swt) to help you find the answers for the questions the 10% is bringing up.  Sometimes people get so caught up in the 10% that they don’t allow the 90% to help them in times of stress, guide them in times of confusion, and give their heart some comfort.  Both have a voice, and both have a purpose.  The 90% seems to be telling you that Islam makes the most sense of all the religions you’ve looked at so far.  The 10% seems to be telling you that you need to study Islam deeply before you can be 100%.  Both are okay, and both can exist at the same time.

It’s clear that the 90% has helped you improve your life and your character so far, and I think maybe now the 10% is egging you on.

And Allah knows best.

wa ‘alaykum salam

– Fatima FM