Torn

Dear Fatima,
I am a 15 year old girl. I know how important family is in Islam, and how important it is to be friends with your siblings. I have a younger sister, who I’m close to and have a good relationship with. However, I have an older, 18 year old brother who I’ve hated since I can remember. We don’t speak, unless it is to insult one another. I try to control my tongue, but whenever he is around me, he instantly starts calling me fat, midget, ugly, or makes me feel uncomfortable by making hand gestures and noises. It has always been this way. When we were younger, we would get into physical fights and he would often hit me. I despise him, and he acts as if he hates me. I have told my parents several times about the issue, but nothing ever resolves it. I plan on losing all contact with my brother in a few years so I will be relieved of this burden. Will this be a sin, to remove kinship?

Dear Torn,

It sounds like you and your brother are stuck in a pattern of provoking each other and defending yourselves against each other.  It does sound like some of what he does is to get a reaction out of you and that you both end up fighting with each other as you start defending yourself.

As you spend less time in each other’s company and experience more of life chances are it will become easier to get along with each other, insha’Allah.  Many siblings find that more life experience and the passage of time often helps their relationships, and once the tension is reduced a bit talking about their feelings around what happened can sometimes provide healing.  Whatever decision you make now about whether you would like to stay in touch with your brother doesn’t have to be final. So allow yourself the freedom to reconsider the decision as time goes on.

At the same time, it sounds like the way that you protect yourself ends up escalating the situation.  Trying to react differently might change the outcomes.  Perhaps leaving the room, going for a drive, or dealing with the situation with humor would be options.  It almost sounds like the less you react, the less impact he will have on you with his behavior.

Once you have your own space, like your own apartment or house, you have more control over what can and cannot go on in that space.  So you can set up rules for behavior in that space and you will be able to find calm but firm ways to enforce those rules. This can take the form of who you would allow into the space, asking people to leave if they cross certain lines, etc.  If your brother remains to be a difficult person, you will only have to see him at any family gatherings you choose to attend.

–       Fatima FM

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The sibling relationship is often the most difficult relationship for a number reasons, and sibling rivalry is very common especially while you are growing up. A brother and sister is the one person that knows you the best and can push your buttons better than anyone else. Fortunately, the sibling relationship gets better as we grow up, so I think there might be light at the end of the tunnel for you and your brother. As you both discover who you are, develop your personality you will begin to appreciate each other for who you are. Some ways to improve your relationship;

-When in the middle of a fight,ask yourself,Is it really worth the trouble?. If your answer is no, stop yourself. Apologize and give your sibling a comforting hug or a pat.

-Do activities together, start simple, like watch a TV show that you both may be interested in and then maybe you can work your way up to going out to dinner.

-Think about the good things your brother does. This means setting aside the things you find annoying, bothersome, and unfair and list what things he does that are great.

-Be there for him during tough times. Life doesn’t always go according to plan and there will be times when he needs you. Be there for him and be supportive when he experiences relationship, job, health,or other problems. In turn, he’s more likely to be there for you.

-Treat your brother with the kindness and respect you expect in return. Show him by example the kind of relationship you’d like to have with him and refuse to fall into argumentative or bossy patterns of relating to each other.

–       Fatima NI