Forbidden Love

Well i’m 14 years old and i live in maryland and theres this guy and hes 16..i’ve known him for like all my life..and
we’ve started having a serious relationship and secretly meeting each other for one year. But he moved to
Pennsylvania and is only 4 hours away from me. He visits here sometimes but I dont see him alot anymore. Alot of people like my friends say i should leave him but i CANT. I dont know if it’s love but i feel so attracted to him and i need him. He promised to spend the summer with me and hes coming in like a week and i really miss him but they’re saying i should ignore him but i really dont want to even knowing it’s ‘haraam’ i cant. What do I do?

Dear Forbidden Love,

I can tell you are torn between what your friends are saying and your feelings for this young man.
I’m going to get one thing out of the way before I give you my thoughts on your particular situation – and that is one person’s “serious relationship” is another person’s first date. SO, I want to break a few things down and deal with them first.  There are many types of relationships and intimacy comes in several forms, spiritual, emotional, and physical.  Each of these is a powerful draw and creates a bond between two people that takes on a life of its own.  Leaving aside the religious aspect, too much intimacy too early in a relationship – especially physical intimacy – clouds your judgement because that bonding becomes so powerful that it can sometimes become easy to overlook possible challenges in the relationship until you’ve already invested a LOT into it.  If it turns out the relationship doesn’t have what it needs to last, then the loss of the relationship is much much more painful than it would have been otherwise.

Regardless of the specifics, it is clear in your situation that you feel you have crossed a line and it makes you uncomfortable – otherwise you wouldn’t have posted your question.  This internal gps is important to listen to.  Think to yourself – what is making you uncomfortable?  Is it the fact that you have been meeting in secret?  Is it what you have done when you met?  Is it that when he moved he did not come to see you or maintain the type of contact you wanted? What are the reasons?

That will help you figure out where you are at.

Now think about why you started the relationship. And what were the decisions you made to keep it going?  From what you’ve written, I’m sure there were points where you thought to yourself, “should I be doing this?” and then you decided to go ahead anyway.  What made you pause? What made you go forward?

This will help you figure out why you chose the path you did and, if you choose to walk a different path, will help you figure out what situations to watch out for.

Now ask yourself – how come I didn’t have someone to talk to about this situation who could mentor me, like a parent, aunt, youth group adviser, etc.?  and if I wanted to find someone like that to ask for help, is there someone who I could go to?

This helps you figure out your support systems, and how you can take advantage of them.  Someone who can sit and talk with you to get a better sense of the situation and give you better advice than I.

Lastly, I have no idea how much contact you have had with this young man since he moved.  He could be texting and emailing you every day, or he could be completely silent.  Make sure that whichever it is, you pay attention to not only his words but also his behavior.

Take care of yourself,

 –       Fatima FM

 [If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].

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