Self- Harm

Dear Fatima,

Salaam Walekum. I used to have a friend who used to cut all the time back in high school. My friend had even tried overdosing at times and would not show up at school for weeks at a time. We were really close and my friend used to confide in me a lot. Let’s call my friend X. X used to tell me all their problems and would ask for my help to make things better. I really did not know what to do but I tried being there for X as much as possible. Sometimes I used to stay up all night to talk to X online just to make sure X didn’t resort to self harm.

Alhamdulillah, X has finally stopped cutting and is doing so well right now. But at that time no matter what I said or much I pleaded, X could not help it and would always go back to cutting. Sometimes even now X tells me that it’s hard to stay away from it.

My question to you is, for someone in a situation like the one I was in, what advice would you give that person in terms of how to deal with a friend who self harms? Sometimes I feel like I was no help at all but then other times my friend tells me that my words did stick and that’s what helped to overcome the addiction. I am not so sure about that, personally.

I hear a lot of stories even now about people cutting and self harming and it is such a very sensitive issue for me. I wish I could help more. I know talking helps but it’s not enough. What to do?

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

It sounds like you were in a very difficult position, and had to be this person’s lifeline while X was going through a very low point in his/her life.  That is a lot of responsibility for a high school student – one that you should never have had.  You referred to cutting as an addiction – and it is.  People become dependent on the behavior to make themselves feel better just like some people become dependent on alcohol to make themselves feel better.  There is a physical component and an emotional component.

It’s a tough road to deal with the emotional stuff, but it’s where the lasting solution is.  I’m so glad that your friend has taken the road of therapy and is working on his/her addictive and suicidal behaviors.  If your friend is not in therapy, he/she really should be.

Just like any addiction when the “triggers” come back, the cravings do too.  So if someone drinks because they are dealing with depression, then whenever the depression comes back the urge to drink will too – even if they haven’t had a drink for 10 years.  So therapy is meant to help a person identify what those triggers are, and learn new ways of coping with them.

So what does this all mean to for you, the friend who was so concerned that you took it upon yourself to stay up late into the night to keep X from hurting him/herself?  It means a few things.

1) You don’t have to be in it alone (and you shouldn’t be).  You can be a support person, but you can’t fix it for your friend.  It’s hard, but you have to tell when someone is hurting themselves and overdosing.  You have to tell a counselor, a trusted adult, someone who has the best interest of your friend in mind, because he/she was telling you with his/her behavior “This is serious, and I need help.”

2) They have to make the choice to get help too.  You have to do your part (tell and be supportive of healthy behaviors) but they have to make the choice to accept the help from friends, family, and professionals.  They have to choose to walk down the tough path that will ultimately lead to being a healthier and happier person.  They have to beat their addiction and rise above the things that are pulling them down.

3) Get help for yourself.  There are websites like this one where you can ask for support or learn about what your friend might be struggling with.  Websites like http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/WhatIfSomeoneIKnowNeedsHelp.aspx also give you info about how to be supportive and put things into perspective for you.  Your support, love, encouragement is critical – especially since the path they have to walk is hard.  At the same time it’s #3 on the list after a trained professional’s assistance, and your friend’s courage to receive help.

It sounds from your letter that you don’t fully trust the progress your friend has made.  It also sounds like when it was going on you really threw yourself into helping and never felt like what you were doing was enough – and that those feelings come back whenever your friend mentions that he/she is having trouble staying away from cutting.  You might want to make an appointment with a counselor as well so you have a safe space to talk about all those feelings you had then and are having now.  You don’t have to be this person’s 911 response team– but you can hold your friend’s hand in the back of the ambulance.

 –       Fatima FM

====================================================================

Dear Self-Harm,

First thing is to bring your confidence to the table. You are being confided in because you have something of value to offer the individual. Appreciate and accept that, being sure not to focus on what you cannot do or don’t know how to do. What you are and what you have is valuable. Do not try to be something you’re not, just give what you have in the way of compassion, interest, and the desire to grow through the connection with others. This authenticity will send the message to the other person that they, too, have value.

Acknowledging your inherent worth will mirror this acceptance of self for others. Acceptance of where one is at precludes judgment, and the absence of judgment is what is necessary for understanding. Understanding is a primary need that allows one to become more of himself. As we come into ourselves, we manifest our inherent, God-given worth and are able to utilize our talents to move us toward our potential. This is where fulfillment is realized and fulfillment nullifies depression, anxiety, and other negative feelings.

If you feel it is necessary, suggest that the individual explore other means of learning about herself/himself through self-awareness work. Having a mentor is a great advantage, so you might help her/him find such a person, be it a counselor, a knowledgeable friend, etc. You might also sign up to take that journey with her/him, be her/his partner in self-discovery. There are few things more supportive or inspiring to someone struggling and feeling alone.

 –       Fatima SY
[If you think it would be beneficial to your friend, maybe you can mention NYFonline as a resource, and he/she can even speak to us on a personal level by emailing info@nuryouthforum.org].