Harmful Addictions
If you really knew me, you would know my husband is addicted to pornography and masturbating. And here I am, feeling unattractive and useless…
If you really knew me, you would know my husband is addicted to pornography and masturbating. And here I am, feeling unattractive and useless…
B.ez
I can’t help but admire you women for your dedication to your husbands and family. Nowadays we often see limited tolerance from women towards their relationships. May you all be strong in your battles, and understand that this is a test from Allah for your family.
Anonymous
Porn is an addiction, not a statement of your relationship. It’s not something that will “just stop”. Sounds like a licensed couple’s counselor should be one of your first stops. Here is a website with resources for you: http://www.posarc.com/index.php and you need to take care of yourself. There are also resources for him: http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.php. Also, I haven’t seen the lectures on this site but I do know that some people who are religious seem to like it: http://www.purifyyourgaze.com/videos/recovery-story-from-sahih-bukhari – remember he has to choose to use these resources.
Anonymous
I had the same problem, sister. Alhamduliah, my husband has stopped, and InshaAllah, yours will, too. I don’t know how extreme your case is, but for my husband, it had been going on for many years before he met me. He told me about the problem before we got married, and I accepted it about him and was willing to help.
The first thing I did was make an effort to understand him. I tried to sympathize with him, and not make him feel ashamed or embarrassed. As with any problem, the best way I believe to tackle it is to build a strong support group. I made sure I let my husband know we were a team together, and that I was going to help him. He failed the goal many times, but each time I forgave him as long as I knew he was sincerely sorry.
At first, he didn’t see porn as too much of an issue. But I explained to him calmly why it’s wrong and I reminded him of how men of Islam are suppose to be modest with their eyes and lower their gaze. I helped him build a better relationship with Allah swt, so he felt willing in his own heart to overcome the addiction.
It began to die down a bit, but was still continuing. He failed many times and gave in to the temptations, but things were still nonetheless slowly progressing. Therefore, I applauded him for his efforts and let him know how proud I was of him for trying his best to overcome something so hard. Keep in mind, sister, that a sex addiction can be worse than drug or alcohol addiction. It’s one of the hardest to fight, so I was sure to let him know that all his efforts (even the smallest ones) were noticed. This gave him encouragement and it motivated him to quit the addiction once and for all.
The final thing I did was let him know how much it hurt me. My husband truly loves me, and when he saw me broke down crying, it stabbed him in the heart. I expressed my feelings about how him watching porn made me feel like a bad wife or it lowered my self-esteem because it made me think I wasn’t beautiful enough for him. He was filled with sorrow. He saw the pain in my eyes, and realized that it was causing nothing but unhappiness to us. Therefore, he made a true promise to not do it again, and hasn’t done it since that day.
To this day, I always tell my husband that if he does ever watch it again, to let me know. I told him I will never get angry at him as long as we are in constant communication and that he does not hide anything from me. I’d rather him watch porn and tell me, than watch porn and I find out on my own or he keeps it a secret. I told him all I want is complete honesty, and he agrees.
Sister, sorry for writing so long, but please do not lose hope in your husband. The key to any relationship is communication. Talk to him and support him, and most importantly, just let him know you love him. Once you rebuild that love again, he will want to change willingly to make you happy. Remember that Allah swt placed him in your life for a reason, and that anything can get better with trust.
Never lose hope in Allah swt. I make du’a that you and your husband are on the path to a happier marriage and successful recovery away from such a sad addiction.
Anonymous
you are amazing sister. may Allah reward you for your kind and forgiving heart!
Anonymous
Wow. You are an amazing woman. I wish more women were as understanding as you. It seems like a lot of Muslim women these days would be ready to throw out their husbands in the face of such a situation. We should realize that everyone has challenges and try to help one another instead of judging. ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’
Anonymous
I hope I can become a more compassionate person like you.
MT35
I also feel for the pain you are going through. I can’t imagine what it must be like to not be wanted by the one who’s supposed to want you the most. BUT, know a few things:
1. His addiction is not your problem- meaning, it is not YOUR fault. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want to help himself.
2. Understand that watching porn and masturbating can become an addition just like any other addiction (alcohol, drugs). So, it takes more than dua or talking to quit. If he really wants help, he should consider seeking professional help (maybe you can help him do that).
3. Evaluate where you are in the relationship. I’m sure there are other issues going on between you guys (perhaps because of the addiction, or causing the addiction). Reflect and see what’s going on. Then, if things are ok enough where he’s willing to get help (and you are willing to fight for this relationship), then I would seek professional help. You can email NYF at info@nuryouthforum.org for more info.
If he’s not ready to seek professional help, but does want to remedy the situation, there are other things he can do (but it has to come from him…you will waste energy trying these things with him, if he doesn’t want to sincerely make change). Look for the triggers that make him watch porn and/or masturbate. Is it after you guys argue? Is it after he sees something on tv? is it after he thinks about something that stresses him out? (like his job), etc…just throwing some options out there…
Once the two of you can identify some triggers, it might help you figure out distractions or alternative coping methods once a trigger comes up.
Be patient, and if this relationship is meant for you, then inshAllah, Allah has even better things in store for you once this gets better.
Anonymous
i can only imagine how difficult it must be to be going through what you are. however, i want to thank you so much for sharing this story. i have been following nyf online pretty closely and this issue hasn’t come up yet in any of the questions or posts and i KNOW it happens so much in our muslim community. i think we need more people like you who are willing to speak out about the affect of porn and masturbation in the muslim community in order for us as a community to start addressing it. stay strong sister, and remember that AllahSWT truly does test those that He loves. this is a test for you and for your husband to overcome the grip that this addiction has on him and your relationship. i make dua for you both.
Anonymous
It pains me so much to read this. May Allah give you strength and sabr during this immensely tough struggle. Allah is the turner of hearts…may Allah turn your husband’s heart towards you and fill it with love and mercy. May He keep all satan’s work away from your husband and your marriage.
Whether your husband at this time can open his eyes to see what a beautifully amazing person you are, don’t ever forget YOU are a creation of Allah so YOU are immensely beautiful both inside and out. You are full of nur (light) and don’t ever let anyone take that away from you. YOU are an amazingly beautiful person. Unfortunately, your husband seems to be weak at the moment and has allowed satan to empower him right now. That has nothing to do with you and your beauty! May Allah strengthen you to see His beauty within you and find strength in Him.
I’m sure you’ve heard this time and again, but after what seems like a lifetime of struggles for myself, I have finally started to realize that Allah does truly test those He loves. My struggles seem to continue to become even more difficult, but I have finally started to see how Allah has really made these pains and heartaches and struggles a means for me to grow so much nearer to Him (even though I always felt I was already close to Him) and helped me really understand that our lives on earth really are just a matter of 2-3 days in the infinite reality of time so if this is what Allah has to have me go through to keep breaking me to get even closer to Him than I always was, then iA my closeness to Him will be more worthwhile in the infinite continuum of time. That said, as I keep going through one curve ball after the other, one heartache after another, as what seems to be Allah laughing at me every time I think things will get better, I have finally started to find strength in Inna Lillahi wa Inna Ilayhi Rajiun, like Allah says in the Holy Quran 2:155-156 (“…and give good news to the patient, who, when a misfortune befalls them, say: Surely we are Allah’s and to Him we shall surely return”).
Allah will indeed grant with difficulty, ease.
Dua is extremely powerful and Allah answers all our duas (albeit maybe this lifetime or maybe the Hereafter…I have been making dua for something ever since I was a kid and 20 years later, still haven’t seen it materialize, but turning to Allah and constantly crying and praying to Him for it has given me strength to get through life). I really like this dua in Quran 25:74 “O our Lord! grant us in our spouses and offspring the joy, coolness and comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Allah conscious people”.
Also it may be beneficial to pray the Quls (Surah Ikhlas, Falaq and Nas) on him 3 times each at least once a day to break away satan’s hold on him (they say it’s better to pray it on yourself first and then on the other person to protect yourself first).
May Allah make this struggle (test) easy for you and give you utmost strength and sabr as you go through it. May He fill you with His light. May He quickly turn your husband’s heart towards Him and fill it with love and mercy for you. With lots of love and prayers!