A Rock and a Hard Place

Salaam Walekum,

I am stuck in a situation where I have to choose between two sides and I don’t know which way to go. One side holds my foundation and the other my future. Unfortunately they are not on the same side and it is a dilemma that I have been dealing with for a long while now and it is not getting better no matter how I try to approach it.

Whichever way I go, I will be upsetting people who I really care about with all my heart and I do not want to do that. I do have one other choice and that is to go my own way but I am scared to do that.

I have a pretty fragile past that I know can creep up on me when I least expect it and take over again. I wish for that to not happen and I know the only way to avoid that is to surround myself with people who I care about and who care about me back.

I know this is very vague but I just wish not to give too many details. I have been praying and hoping for a solution but I can’t seem to come up with anything. I know that whatever decision I make will have a huge impact on my life and I see nothing wrong with leaving my foundation behind; the problem is that my foundation thinks that if I leave it behind, I will have shunned it and don’t care. If I leave the other side, then that side will be upset.

Please help me out. I know what I want but I am not sure I am strong enough to take that stand.

Jazakh Allah Khair.

Click here to read how Stones to Bridges helped this user!

Dear A Rock and a Hard Place,

What you describe, on the surface, seems like an external conflict between you and those you love. But in reality, it appears as though that conflict is within you…say, between what you desire and your belief system, for instance. We call it cognitive dissonance. Are pleasure and principle battling it out here?

You said you know what you want but are not sure you are strong enough to stand behind that. This points to a fear factor and also indicates that it is in control. First, shed the fear. Find out what the anxiety is all about. Most issues have self-worth at their core, so go exploring and find out what is driving the fear so that you can release it. After some peeling back the layers, you will come to more clarity on the direction you want to take that will honor your spirit.

This is not about pleasing or placating people, or even taking care not to offend them. Intention counts here. This is about you. Your life. Your responsibility. Don’t let the “disease to please” consume you. You have to live and die by your decisions. No one else. Make them count for you. Others might not like your choices but they will respect them if you respect yourself.

–       Fatima SY

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Assalamu Alaykum,

The situation you are describing probably feels so complicated because you are trying to figure out who you are and who you would like to be.  There are many pulls in our lives, each with it’s own voice.  You’ve described the two major ones for you as the foundation and the future.  It appears that these voices are represented by a group of people that is calling you to be with them on the path they are walking.

As you didn’t provide many details, I’ll give you a framework for how to make tough decisions that I hope helps.  You may have done some of this before while you’ve been thinking about things.

Each person is different so you can do the following using words (essays, lists, poetry) or pictures (drawing, making a collage).  Sometimes exploring the arts helps repackage things in a new way that helps you see something new.

Step 1: Represent choice #1.  In this case it would be: take one sheet of paper and describe/show what makes this group your foundation, what are the gifts they’ve given to you? On a second sheet what would it mean to stay with this group (positive and negative)?

Step 2: Represent choice #2.  Similar to above, take a sheet of paper and answer: what does it mean to you? what are the potential gifts you could get out of taking that road?

Step 3: Represent choice #3 – going your own way.  On one sheet of paper – what would be the benefits of going your own way? what could you get out of it that you wouldn’t get from either of the two other choices?  On a second sheet – what are the things that are scary about going your own way? the potential dangers? things that could stand in your way?

Step 4: Step back.  This could be for a few minutes or for a few days depending on how heavy that process was for you.  During this time you can make du’a that Allah (swt) guide you to a direction that is good for you.  The istikhaarah du’a is perfect for this.

Step 5: Identify your goals/values.  Take a fresh sheet of paper, and list what are the things you want to be in life (values like – honest, healthy, loving relationships, strong, etc), and want to get out of life (goals like – I want to help people in my chosen profession).

Step 6: Go back and evaluate your choices.  Take your goals & values to evaluate your choices.  See if there is something you need to add or take away from the words/pictures that you used to describe each option.  See if you see something new now that you are going back and looking at the descriptions.  Sometimes a new option comes up.  IF it does, represent that one as well in the same way that you did the others.

Step 7:  Step back. More du’a and istikhaarah time.  If you have someone trusted that knows you well and wants the best for you, you can take this time to consult with them as well.

Step 8:  Make a decision – and figure out how you are going to make that decision a reality.  This means that once your heart shows you the direction you need to go.  Figure out what are the things that will help you get there and who are the people who will support you.  These are your allies.  Figure out what will stand in your way, and figure out if you need to work on any of those things so that you can go the direction you feel you need to go.  Make sure to break up your plan into smaller chunks to make it more realistic.  For example, don’t expect that you will be able to give up chocolate (or any other habit) overnight.

If you need to have conversations with people in any of the groups in your life, doing this kind of thinking will help you find the words to have those conversations because you’ll have thought about what you’ve appreciated about their presence in your life, and the the type of support you need going forward.  If they really care about you, then that will help them see your goals/values and why you need to take this path in order to get where you are trying to go.  They might not be happy, or agree, but they will “get it” and that will help you ask them to give you the support or the space you need to figure things about.

Step 9: Stay on track.  Keep the papers you worked on and take them out about every month or two months, and see if there is anything you need to add/change.  You can also take them out every time you feel alone, or bogged down, and remind yourself why you are on the path you chose.  Who knows if the decision you make today will be the one that you will stick with a year from now, but if you chose to go a particular direction, give it some time to see how it goes before you change your mind.  As long as you keep making du’a and sticking to your values, you will be guided to the right direction to go.

My guess is that after you go through the process some ideas will come to you that you hadn’t seen before, and that those might end up being the most interesting.

–       Fatima FM

[If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].