Wanting to Grow

Dear Fatima,

I just started realizing who I am for the first time in my life. I know how I want to act and who I want to surround myself with. I know i’m making the right choices. I’m focusing on my grades and trying to respect my parents more. I’m being more independent and making choices on my own. My parents and friends aren’t liking the fact that i want to break away and be who I am. I’m starting to lose friends back and forth because they think i don’t need them anymore. I love all my friends and I can’t stand seeing them go. I’ve tried talking to them about these things, but they think i’m not understanding their perspective. How can I see things in their eyes? How can I explain to them that these changes are necessary? Please help me!

-Wanting to grow

Dear Wanting to grow,

It sounds like you are making a lot of changes in your life.
I don’t know what changes you are making, so I can’t really tell you what I think about them.
I can, however, tell you what I think about how you can try to work things through with your friends and family.

If they aren’t feeling heard, then it probably means that one of a few things is going on – either (1) they think that their perspective of who you should be is the only one that is okay, or (2) when they try to tell you what they think, you start defending your choices without letting them get across what they are trying to say.

I don’t know how angry they are or how long this has been going on.  Only you can decide if it’s gotten to a point that you need to get someone to help you and your friends have a productive conversation about this topic like a peer mediator or school counselor.

Either way, in order to hopefully get somewhere positive with the conversation here are some tips for healthy communication:
1) Set a good tone – state your intention for having the conversation is because you love them and you know they are concerned about you, and you really want to hear what they have to say.
2) Set up some ground rules that all of you can agree on – like no name calling, letting people finish what they have to say, how to take a productive timeout from the conversation (“let’s take a break for 5 mins”, not “whatever!” and storm out of the room), etc.
3) Take turns speaking using sentences that describe your own points of view and feelings, and not judgements about the other person.  So “I feel hurt when you don’t come hang out with us anymore because it makes me feel like we’re not good enough for you” and not “You are so arrogant and self-centered.  You think that we are not good enough for you.”
4) Discuss one issue at a time and avoid using generalizations like “you always” and “you never”
5) You don’t have to discuss everything in one sitting
6) Understand that you don’t have to agree on everything, just understand where the other person is coming from
7) Sometimes repeating back to the other person what you understood helps them feel heard (“okay, if I’m getting this right, when I don’t hang out with you, you feel like I think I’m better than you. Is that right?”) – but sometimes it makes people feel irritated.  Another way of doing the same thing is to mirror back the feeling – something like: “Oh, I didn’t know that it made you feel like I think I’m better than you. Now I get why it hurt your feelings”

As for your parents, I would suggest setting up a conversation in a similar way, but be aware that you are going to be doing a lot more listening before you get a chance to talk – and that whatever talking you do should be really respectful.  It’s hard sometimes to have difficult conversations with our parents because we might feel like they aren’t getting our perspective right away.  At the same time, they’ve seen us grow up and many times have an understanding of our personalities that is pretty deep.  So hear them out, and help them hear you out by sticking to the point and to being respectful.  The more you can keep your cool, the better the conversation will probably go.

If your friends & family really want the best for you, the more you speak from your heart about why you think that this is the direction to go, the better they’ll be able to hear you.  At the same time, you might lose some people as you take this new path – and that is unfortunately a part of life and a part of making tough decisions.

Keep your commitment to Allah (swt) as first and foremost, and through that your commitment to bettering yourself and those around you, and hopefully the path ahead will become clear.  It may not be smooth though, so make du’a that Allah (swt) makes it easier to travel.

Wsalaams,

 –       Fatima FM

====================================================================

Dear Wanting to grow,

It is true that it’s difficult for people to accommodate to change, in themselves and in others, especially in those close to us as it tends to say something to us about us. Regarding that element, continue to reassure them that you appreciate them as you always have, that this is about self-improvement, and that you aren’t going anywhere. Then proceed and do what you need to do for yourself even if/when they resist. Be careful not to lose yourself in other’s projections. Criticism is always about the person criticizing and often distorted. Feedback, however, is usually a more accurate perspective. Decide which one of these is
being offered up. Dismiss what you need to. Change what you need to. Be yourself.

That said, it sounds like there maybe something else going on here. You mentioned losing friends and being told you are not understanding “their” perspective. This might indicate a considerable breakdown in communication, which might account for at least part of the strained relations. It might be that you, or they, or both, are falling into some traps that inhibit productive and effective dialogue. My suggestion would be to involve someone who can shed some light on what might be taking you off track, someone familiar with your personality whom you trust to tell you the truth, not simply what you want to hear.

Most importantly, remind yourself that the goal is not to be right, but to learn, to improve. There is no prize for being right. Recognizing where our errors and shortcomings are and acknowledging that is success in the truest sense.

–       Fatima SY

[If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].