My Life Continued Without You

My Life Continued Without You

Throughout my life, I’ve had Islam, my religion, to hold me back from making mistakes. While my friends were getting plastered and making some of the biggest mistakes in their lives, I would be home doing something G-rated.
While my friends were having sex left and right, I had never even been kissed.

The only relationship I had had was this one guy. He didn’t live near me, but we spoke on the phone all the time. We stopped talking in high school, because I told him that there was no purpose in us talking since I believed relationships to be haram, unless we were thinking marriage. And two 16 year old muslims weren’t ready for marriage.

And then I got into college. In college, it got worse. My friends would do things, so I got involved with other muslims. And then the one guy I had ever opened up myself to actually contacted me again. By this time I was 18, a more suitable age. Still young, but it was better. We started talking and a week into talking again, I knew I had fallen in love. We used to video chat every night, talk on the phone and in text all the time. He knew I had never kissed a guy, while he had been sexually active with at least 4. I told him I believed in sex after marriage, that I had rejected guys throughout high school and college because I wanted to practice my faith.

And then I sat in a car alone with him. The first time, we hugged. It was dark, and he brushed his lips against my neck, rubbed his hands alongside my back. I then saw him lean in to kiss me. I turned my face so he wouldn’t come near. He then whispered my name, drawing me closer to him. And again he tried. This time, he actually did try kissing me. My brain shut down, thankfully. I couldn’t kiss him. He then told me that it was okay, that he wasn’t going to force anything upon me. So I felt safe.

The next time I saw him, he told me he was going to go out with me and show me around. But we went back to his room, he said that I could eat while he took a nap. That he was tired and he just needed a 20 minute power nap. As I left the room, he told me to come back. Asked me to sit on the bed with him and just talk until I put him to sleep. This was the guy I told myself I woudl get married to, the guy who I had imagined all my dreams. So I sat there, feeling like yeah, this is my husband. its okay.

Little did I know it wasn’t. He asked to cuddle and I did. He then started wrapping himself around me, burying his face in my chest. This was the first time a man had been this close to me. He then told me to take my shoes and socks off, to get more comfortable. I did, I liked being around him.

The following is NOT G-rated so I’ll let you guys know when it becomes okay to read again if you feel uncomfortable

[***Text omitted by Admin***]. I don’t know why I was there. All I know is that while this was happening, I kept thinking it wasn’t. I didn’t want to believe what was happening. [***Text omitted by Admin***]. He asked me if I was okay. I said yes. [***Text omitted by Admin***] and I was in shock. I couldn’t talk. I just nodded my head that he could continue. i tried to enjoy it, i told myself i was with the guy I was in love with. But my body wouldn’t allow it. We had a towel to clean up, and then we fell asleep. Or at least I tried to, as I shuddered with the fact that I just had sex. I had sex before my first real kiss, because he didn’t even kiss me passionately while we were having sex. it was literally a f***. that’s what it had been.
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and not only had i lost my first kiss, lost the first time i had sex in such a terrible way, i had forgotten my self respect, my values, my everything. I felt like a dirty person. But now that we had done it, my mentality was that we could do it again. We tried it again, and it was better this time. I didn’t enjoy it as much, because I was in pain. It hurt.

The next day, I took Plan B medicine. I became extremely sick for two days. I then saw him again, and we had sex again. It was started to get better and I was starting to enjoy it.

And then I realized I had lost myself. i didn’t know what I had become. Sex can be such a beautiful thing, something so amazing that the angels make dua for you when you do it with your spouse. And I had lost it. I had lost that beautiful moment that would never come again. I felt dirty inside, like a rotten tomato. I felt like I had cheated on myself, my morals, my husband, and my future.

I then decided I needed change. I needed to feel happy again. And I knew I had to do it quick before I would stop feeling bad for my actions. Because I knew that once I kept doing it for a while, I would feel comfortable with this sin.

That relationship ended, but my life continued. That guy cheated on me twice (once while I was sleeping with him). The fact that he cheated on me is an insult to myself since I should have been finding a GOOD guy. A guy who respected religion. A guy who respected me. A guy who respected himself.

I went through a lot internally, juggling with being cheated on physically by him and being cheated on morally by me.

But I changed. How did I do it? I realized I could change by the mere fact that I was still alive. I could fix this. I couldn’t change the past, but I could change the outcome of the future.

One story helped. It was the woman who went to the prophet after she committed adultery. She wanted to be stoned. She became pregnant and the Prophet saw wanted her to just take care of the baby. She eventually kept persisting and got stoned. But the story is this beautiful reminder that Allah is the judge. That all I needed to do was repent properly. I got my act together. I sat down and decided WHO I wanted to become. I wanted to change. I wanted to look in the mirror and be proud of the woman I was becoming.

It took time. When you’re committing such a bad sin like sex, I realized that my prayers stopped. I started those up again. I started praying all my sunnahs. The first few days, I didn’t feel it. I just felt like I was doing a task. Why?

Well, it’s because my heart had hardened. You can’t just expect to have a good, healthy heart when you’re doing something so wrong. My heart had shriveled up. It wanted the dunya, the forbidden apple, and neglected the only thing that would save me: striving for the akhirah.

So I prayed. After a week, I prayed a sunnah prayer and I just started crying. I couldn’t stop crying. And it’s because after a week’s long of just this mundane task of moving my limbs, I finally felt the prayer. I felt the power of knowing that this prayer was my connection to Allah, that no matter how f***** I had become, I had a chance.

My body still felt gross, but it was working. I also changed the way I dressed. The saying ‘you are what you eat’, has such wisdom if you think about it. I know for a fact that when I wear makeup, I attempt to act all cute. And when I dress like a tomboy, I behave like one. And when I dress in a formal dress, I become proper. And believe it or not, psychologically I realized my wardrobe had to change. And as I dressed more modestly, I saw the change.

I continued. I kept at it because I didn’t want to be this person who was okayw ith having sex with everyone. There are times where sometimes I just get super horny and I want to get some. The minute you dip into something bad, it’s easier to dip into it again and again.

But now I know that I don’t want to be where I was before. I don’t want to wake up the next morning and realize I ahve once again devalued myself. Yeah, I used to be a pearl before I had sex. And I was this untouched virgin. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have the chance to become a beautiful flower.

And all I can pray is that my story helps others. That you don’t sit in a car alone with a guy, because actual sex isn’t where the sin is. It’s what leads to it. The sin is in putting yourself in a position where you might regret something for the rest of your life. It’s not worth being in a car alone with a guy or starting a relationship with someeone you liek in a wrong way. Had I never gotten in a car with him, I would never have hugged him. Had I never hugged him, I would never had kissed him. Had I never kissed and made plans for the next day, I would never have been in his apartment. Had I never been in his apartment, he would never have unclasped my bra.

Do it the right way and you might get something beautiful. It’s not worth that 5 minutes of butterflies in your stomach to be with the guy you might even love. And even if you mess up sweetheart, it’s going to be okay. There’s always a tomorrow to fix the mistake you made yesterday. And even if it may not seem it like that, know that everything always plays out. The things that happen to us in life, happen for a reason. We become stronger. We become better prepared to tackle harder situations in life

14 thoughts on “My Life Continued Without You”

  1. Anonymous

    dont worrry your story is amazing and everyone has to try to get what he wants
    just stay strong and know that we are all here for you:)

  3. Anonymous

    Jzk sister for your story… Im in the exact same situation except that Im a guy. The first time I felt terrible; but then afterwards, you become comfortable with it, and ‘hey whatever, this is the girl im deeply in love with and want to marry.’ eventually i couldnt deny my soul anymore, and I cut it off, and ive stopped talking to her. i used to worry that maybe i cut it off in the wrong way, i lost my closest friend. but what i gained instead was the love of my deepest, truest friend… God. i worry about her still. i wish she would have gone in the same direction…towards God. sometimes the worry leads me to do other silly things. but allah has a plan for everyone, and he will pair us with whose best, iA. there is no comfort like the knowledge that allah is pleased with you. and there is nothing sweeter than breaking down after reading the quran.

  4. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing this post. I have a question for you all. I am a sister in my mid-twenties, and I am having challenges getting married. I know the Prophet (SAW) recommended fasting to help ‘lower one’s gaze.’ Are there any other suggestions/recommendations you all have to do this on a daily basis, aside from fasting?

    • Anonymous

      You are not alone in having trouble finding a spouse. Many young men and women are struggling to find people that fit with them.
      At the same time, that doesn’t make the waiting any easier!

      My usual advice for people at this uncomfortable crossroads is on several levels. The first is to recognize that each situation we are placed in is a “growth opportunity” so take the time to figure out what are the things that you would like to work on in life and in yourself. The second is to remember that though lots of people in the community may not see this, our true purpose in life is to contribute to the society around us in a positive way for the purpose of pleasing Allah (swt) and our path is about that and not achieving our image of what we think our life will be about. Remembering that helps reduce the pressure that you might feel to get married by a specific age or stage in life. The third is to remember that you’d rather be in a happy marriage than marry someone just for the sake of checking the box “married” so not only do you need to find a good person, but also make sure you bring the best of yourself to your marriage.

      All of the strategies above will help with developing patience with where you are at right now, and give you things to work on “in the meantime”. There are many things you can be doing to help look for your future spouse, but that’s a whole other post 🙂

      -Fatima FM

  5. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It made me cry as I have a similiar story except that Allah saved me four times from committing the sin and I am very grateful to him. I wanted to share a summary here.

    I met a man online and we started talking on skype. He seemed very kind and never said a word that i feel uncomfortable. He was in a different city and planned to come to where i am many times, but each time there was something that kept him from comming, I found out later what was it. I was very much in love with him and so was he that we made plans about future and I honestly accpeted him as my husband. I wanted him to come so badly, but each time he postponed it. I wear hijab, but when i was talking with him, I felt so comfortable wearing anything, off course I was so tempted to be with him that I don’t think I would resist having sex with him, if he had come. He knew that I wanted him so badly, so one day he asked me to get naked in front of webcam (that is the only part I will regret for the rest of my life). I said that we are not mahram and I dont think that is appropriate, but he said just because it is not written on paper doesn’t mean we are not together. So I did get naked and he was naked too and asked me to masturbate until we both satisfied. I am a virgin and would expected that to be very special and beautiful, but I felt nothing special. I did not see any love and thirst in his eyes as is when you are seeing your lover naked for the first time. I assumed that was because of the circumstances (being online). To make the long story short, he kept postponing his trip again. I would never wanted to be apart from him, but that day I felt it wasn’t me to say all those things. I finally told him either he comes, or this relationship is over. Throughout the conversations we had that day and the coming days, I found out that he had no intention of marrying me, and he just wanted to come to be physically with me. The reasons he didn’t come in the past was because each time, I was living with someone else or travelling with a friend and relative that wouldn’t give him the opportunity. He claimed to be so in love with me, didn’t even call or email me once after the breakup week.

    What I learned from the story that Allah is the all-known and there is a reason for the things he has asked us to do or not to do. Had I followed his commands, and had not gone this far in the path, I wouldn’t have something to regret about today. I am very thankfull of Allah for saving me from committing the sin and have decided to be more strict in following Allah’s wishes and never make any exceptions.

    • ha18

      Alhamdullilah you were able to find yourself before anything worse could happen and alhamdullilah god was able to keep him away from you until you could wake up to what was going on

  6. B.ez

    There is one line in your story that sums up the truth about this life….”I couldn’t change the past, but I could change the outcome of the future.” We are placed in different situations to learn about life and ways in which to improve. It takes courage to be able to recognize one’s mishaps, and it is great to hear how you were able to reflect on your mistakes in order to change your future….learning of your imperfections (and mistakes) is a blessing, seeking to modify those imperfections is your duty…and you, my dear, are doing just that 🙂 Thank you for such an inspiring and motivational story.

  7. Anonymous

    Heartbreaking, but beautiful, story. I cannot believe you were able to muster up the courage to write it out. Also, the fact that you see yourself as a stronger person because of it, that you getting through this has changed you and the way you think–great morals.
    Thanks 🙂

  8. InspiredByLife

    Thank you for this story. It was a reminder to myself of where I used to be at one time and how far I have come with the Grace of Allah. Funny thing is, I’m a GUY. And I think it is very important for people to realize that it’s not only girls, but guys who experience such things as well. It may not seem like it, but there ARE guys out there who want to wait until marriage to have sex. I used to believe in waiting for sex, too. But worldly temptations and being in the wrong place at the wrong time, whether knowingly or unknowingly, can change things in a heartbeat.
    If I had never said hi to that girl at the train station, I would be a completely different person now.
    However, I cannot say that I am worse off now that I committed that sin so many years ago. I know I learned a lot from those mistakes and even though it has taken a long time to come to terms with myself, I know that I am SOOO much better now, alhamdulillah.

    Stay strong and keep your head up. May Allah forgive each and every one of us and may He guide us in the right path.

  9. Anonymous

    Such an honest story. i can relate it to so many of my girl friends problems. it is very relevant to this day in age where many muslim boys are becoming oblivious to the fact that sex before marriage is a sin. this was very inspiring

  10. Anonymous

    very honest story. many of my girl friends have went through this tough situation especially these days with all the guys becoming more and more oblivious to the fact that sex before marriage is a sin. this was very inspiring

  11. Anonymous

    this is an amazing story. so many of us are faced with temptations like this. thanks for sharing, i know this story will give me strength and be a reminder for me when i am faced with great temptations too

  12. Anonymous

    subhanAllah thank you for sharing your story. there are so many amazing lessons to learn from this and you can definitely rest assured that your story is helping others. it must have taken a lot of courage to reflect upon what happened and write this story. but thank you for showing us that there is always hope to change no matter where you come from or what you are doing.