Infatuated Idiot

Dear Fatima,

There’s this boy that I am head over heels for. He is so beautiful and funny. He is unlike anyone I have ever met before and I really like him. However, I hear many people tell me to stay away from him and that he’s bad news. I want him to be with me more than I have ever wanted anything before. I want him to view me the same way that I view him. Nonetheless, he and I are just friends. Additionally, he has told me that he smokes weed, drinks, and does all these other bad things. Unfortunately, he’s always trying to get me to do all these bad things he does. If I get involved with this boy, I know that he might get me to do all these bad things that he does.

-Infatuated Idiot

Salaam Infatuated Idiot,

It sounds like you are suffering from the classic tale of “good girl” likes “bad boy.” Regardless of what your friends tell you about him, you need to do some soul searching regarding your limits and what qualities you would like to see in your future partner. Some good questions to ask yourself are; Do I want to lead the same lifestyle he has? ; Will I resent him for leading me towards a bad path? ; Are these qualities that I want in a future partner? ; Do I want him to raise and be the father of my future children? ; Do my morals and values match up with his? And if they don’t how will they affect us in the future? Also keep in my mind that when we look for a future partner, one of the most important qualities to consider is a person’s Iman. After considering all those questions, I believe you will have clearer answer to your question, to be infatuated? Or not to be infatuated?

– Fatima NI

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Dear Infatuated,

Ask yourself what the attraction is to this boy. What would being with him say to you about who you are? Where would this relationship take you in the future and is that in line with what you aspire to for your life and character? Ingest and contemplate on the wisdom in the hadith: “A man will follow the way of his close friends.” “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”

– Fatima SY

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Dear Infatuated,

I don’t think that you are in idiot.  I think that there are things about this person that draw you to him – like his magnetic personality and how funny he is.

At the same time, you can clearly see how there are things about him that are worrisome, and even dangerous.  If he has a reputation among people for being “bad news” that means that his behaviors are a big part of his life.  It is very very unlikely that he would let go of those behaviors for you – and you mentioned that if you get involved with him you will likely get involved with things that are dangerous for your health, your relationship with Allah, and could get you into legal trouble.

You want him to view you the same way that you view him – which is beautiful and funny, and unlike anyone you’ve met before.  I think the smartest way to have him see you that way is to stick to your values and let him know that though you really enjoy his company, you cannot be friends with him because you are concerned about the behaviors he is involved with.  If you want to leave a door open, you can say that you hope that at some point in the future, once those behaviors are no longer part of his life, you would be able to be friends again.  The hard part of this, is that you have to stick to what you say, and do it.

Allah says in the Qur’an that “it could be that you love a thing and it is bad for you, and it could be that you hate a thing and that it is good for you” and the Qur’an also makes it clear that He is the best of planners.  There is a hadith qudsi (i.e. something Allah (swt) said himself) that says: If you come towards me walking I come towards you running.

All this means, to me, that if he wishes to change, Allah (swt) will help him – and if he chooses to change that will show his strength of character.  Until then, you will have to protect your heart from getting broken by a guy who hasn’t yet shown you his strength of character.  It is impossible for you to change him.  That is something he has to do on his own.

If Allah (swt) wants the two of you to be together, then it will happen – and if you stay true to your values, and devoted to Allah (swt) it will be a relationship that will last and bring you great joy in your life.

– Fatima FM

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