Concerned Sibling

Dear Fatima,

I have a sister who has a great deal of potential, but for some reason, she fails to view herself the way I do. She’s finished high school and since then has taken a break. I’d like to see her reach for something more, because I know she can do anything she sets her mind to. Every time I open the topic, she is quick to dismiss the conversation. What should I do?

-Concerned Sibling

Salaam Concerned Sibling,

First I want to start with saying, that you are a good sister for showing your concern. I am going to get right to the point; there might be a couple things that might be going on with her. First, your sister may be overwhelmed by the idea of choosing a career path and so she just avoids the task overall. If this is the case, I would suggest that she visits a local career center or a local college where they can offer her career counseling or personality tests that may help her narrow down her search. If she does know what she wants to do, there might other reasons for her lack of motivation like a fear of failure, afraid of change, laziness or any number of things. The best thing you can do is to continue being a concerned sister and offer her encouragement and guidance and continue creating opportunities for her to open up.

-Fatima NI

Dear Concerned Sibling,

Perhaps your sister never had anyone sit her down and let her stream her hopes and aspirations…absorb them, understand them, appreciate them, validate them. Many of us haven’t given a conscious thought to what we want/need out of ourselves and out of our lives, as we are highly conditioned to do what others expect. As a result, we are out of touch with our authentic selves and with that goes our drive toward our potential. Offer your sister some focused time and simply allow her to flow. Go into the dialogue prepared, having shelved any sisterly expectations you might have of her or for her that would reinforce the pressure on her to fit a certain mold. Allow her to be herself for once and honor that, regardless of what you want for her.

-Fatima SY

Dear Concerned Sibling,

I can see that you love your sister very much and would like to see the best for her.

One of the hardest things is to let another person figure things out when you can see areas where they could improve or do things differently.  The first thing I would recommend is to make du’a for your sister and to be sure to ask for what is best for her rather than what you think is best for her – after all Allah (swt) is the best of planners.

The second thing that I would recommend is that you develop the part of your relationship with her that is independent of her goals. Get to know her as an adult.  Once the relationship develops you can ask her what she likes about her life, you can support her emotionally when she needs it, and eventually she will trust you enough to ask for help if she needs it.

-Fatima FM

[If you would like us to refer you to a therapist or even just want to talk to someone who cares, please feel free to email us your contact info, including city and state to info@nuryouthforum.org].