Mom, I need you back…

Ya Allah! I need you back in my life! Mom, I need you back in my life! I know you’re trying your best to be there, but I need you to be the woman and mom you were when I was growing up. All the strength and confidence and happiness and contentment I have deep inside came from Allah and the woman you were and taught me to be. I know ever since you and dad separated you became very weak inside. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt and what you went through and must still be going through. I can’t even imagine at all. I know a lot of it came out on me. I know you didn’t mean to take it out on me and that’s what I kept telling myself every time I’d try so hard to be there for you, to be strong for you, to be even somewhat the daughter for you like the mom you were for me, but no matter how hard I tried, you still kept telling me I was such a bad daughter and kept saying mean things that just kept making me weaker and weaker. I kept telling myself you were just going through a really tough time and you didn’t mean to take it out on me but there was no one else for you to take it out on. I kept praying to Allah to make me feel better but slowly I just grew weaker. Then you would say things that somehow made me feel bad and scared to be happy in front of you. Anything I would do that made me happy, you would complain about and want me to stop. Eventually there was nothing left. I stopped being happy. I was too scared to be happy because you would somehow make me feel like a bad person for anything and everything I did that brought a smile to my face. God it hurt so much when your own mom makes you feel like the worst person in the world.

Mama, I used to always thank Allah to give me such an awesome mom who raised me the way you did. Even now, in such a corrupt world, you raised me to be such a respectful woman and a good person and a Allah conscious person. Don’t you look around and see where other kids have gone. Can’t you see how the self respect you instilled in me as a kid and everything else you taught me all the way until you separated, the way you raised me, I felt soooo blessed that Allah gave me such an amazing mom in such a corrupt world where people don’t seem to have value for anything, including themselves, you taught me to be a respectable girl, you told me in 9th grade when you were dropping me back from orientation, when I asked you if it was ok to be friends with boys, “the most important thing for a girl is her respect” so it ok if you want to be friends with guys, just maintain your respect. It’s so many things like this that you told and taught me that I tried my best to live by and later was so proud when I saw so many people around me who didn’t seem to have the same values that I felt so happy that Allah blessed me with such an awesome mom. I always felt so blessed. Since I turned 20, I feel like I have offered so many kids the same advice and told them my mom used to say this when I was young and say that when I was young. I’ve told sooo many parents they should raise their kids like this or that because you raised me like this and you used to tell me such and such. I can go on and on about how many times I have quoted to kids and parents all the things you did and said to raise me and how I think that impacted me and how they should raise their kids knowing this because otherwise their kids will rebel. Mama, I really can’t how much pride I’ve taken constantly helping parents and kids to be the way you raised me. How you said your grandma and aunt raised you, teaching you good values and responsibility but gave you freedom to see and make decisions. Mama, how can I summarize on a sheet of paper everything you have taught me in my lifetime? Mama, I really need you back! Mama, I can only say I felt sooo week and helpless when things didn’t work out with me and [my ex fiancé], someone I hardly knew and hardly had time to have feelings for that I can’t imagine what you felt and went through when you and dad got separated. I know in both cases we decided to end things, but still in both cases, it brought out the weakest moments in our lives for ourselves. I know I took my depression out on everyone around me and honestly still haven’t fully recovered, so I can’t imagine or blame you for handling things the way you did, but mama, I really need you back in my life. I need the mom I had as a child back in my life. InshaAllah, I will start my own life soon and have my own kids and I need you to be the same mom you were before. Please!